FEBRUARY 9 — Joblessness is there, like the flu, don’t fret about it. However, if anyone finds themselves in dire need of a cushy job despite being thoroughly unemployable, then perhaps it is time to consider a career in Malaysian politics. It’s a growth industry unlike other flagging ones. There is an inner politician in everyone. Capture it.

It would be, however, unfair to throw fresh recruits into the cauldron without offering some semblance of support, like pointing them in a general direction of success.  So here is an effort, of sorts, don’t use all of them up at one go; a glossary for political newbies.

Title: Yes, required. It fast-tracks success, so whisper to a bouncer at a local disco and they’d hook  you up. Be prepared for the upkeep, but it will be well-worth it. There are DIY options too.

Get up one morning and insist everyone calls you Tuan. Not breaking the law here, but you’d be a real ass for a while, but it will catch on. Always raise a ruckus when they miss any honorific associated with you when printing banners. Have spray paint in car, just in case you need to DIY further.

Age: Only if she is under-aged. In that case, blame overzealous political opponents trying to badmouth you — nothing like a dash of Ad Hominem. Send him to prison for good measure. Oh, the aspirant. Dumb question: You only need a heartbeat.

Education: Tricky one, make sure you avoid online purchases. These shoplot colleges tend to embarrass themselves and you when Google searched. The local institutions are much more amiable and amenable to your busy schedule. 

It is vital not to talk about the actual course after procuring the diploma. It would invite questions. If you could answer questions, you would not be in this predicament to begin with.

Bankrupt: If you must. Always keep the keychain, even if you lose the car. In a club, they won’t know the difference.

Corruption: Horrible. Utterly, absolutely horrible. Unconscionable. Keep repeating it between Skype chats with your second child with permanent residence in Canada. I’m kidding, only a cheapskate politician uses internet calls.

Religion: Get one. There’s a ranking though. Ask the same bouncer under “title.” Show piety when scandal envelopes — they’d leave you alone, for a short while. Great as a “Get out of Jail” card.

Alcohol: An abomination. But always have a bottle of coke around, just in case.

Healthcare: What makes you go to Singapore.

Debate: Walk in the other direction. Only students debate and win trophies. Leaders show strong faces and lead citizens to prosperity. Disagree? Sorry, I don’t debate, I’m a leader.

Discussion: When you sit in the front quietly listening to acolytes, assume you are omniscient and contort your face occasionally as to indicate that at any given moment of brilliance you will spew the truth, the path, the everything without breaking a sweat.

Apology: What your opponent does.

Trips: OK, as long as you are learning during the trip, like the price-lists of Jakarta health spas.

Manifesto: An unfortunate requirement.

Bills: What your backer pays after your night out. Oh, right, the other one. If in a legislative body, might have to show up on rare occasions and raise your hand. Too much text with no pictures. Can’t politics learn from advertising?

Acts: Of course. What kind of politician would just sit and be idle. There are drains to save.

Judiciary: Where cry babies go after losing on “Big Smile Day.”

Photo-ops: The modern sword. Embrace photo-shop.

Principles: Claim you have them. Don’t bother about explaining them. It is much more exciting to be frighteningly defensive and aggressive in equal measure about them without trying to convince others of their merits.

Past: Deny.

History: No one reads it. But defend it in an archaic and self-serving manner. Accuse detractors of being traitors.

Future: Be hopeful about it, without any details.

Development: My party.

Voters: Victims.

Elections: Big Smile Day.

Friends: Figments of your imagination. Tell them you want to work together and blame them when it falls apart.

Enemies: Look at “friends.”

Clichés: State them when the obvious has happened. Reject them when they are thrown at you. Live your life like you are one.

Cohort: Don’t get too chummy with. Top of your kill list.

Loyalty: As long as it keeps you in power.

Policy experience: Claim you have much. Always correct people. Demand the impossible and say that leadership is about dreaming the impossible and that the impossible will always remain the impossible unless someone, like you (without actually doing any of the work) decides to mount it. Like Everest, never underestimate the value of a good Sherpa.

Sherpa: Look for Everest.

Foreign delegation: Accept them. They usually bring gifts.

Jews: Hate them. Link them to your opponents.

China: It’s in China.

US: We are friends. We have been friends for a long time and it is good to be friends. Unless it’s Friday afternoon, then they are indeed the Great Satan.

South China Seas: Where you meet friends.

Quotes: Have a bunch. Best way to sound smart.

Consultants: Look at “quotes.”

Economy: Insist we need to have one.

Trade: Only if you absolutely have to bolt, for example get offered a minister’s post with the other party. Keep jumping and they’ll call you a frog.

* This is the personal opinion of the columnist.