KUALA LUMPUR, June 29 — Here's a primer on how (or not) to drive on Malaysian roads:
1 Overtake from the left
Overtaking from the left is actually illegal, but in Malaysia, it seems to be perfectly all right to do so. It saves time, and because everybody else seems to like the right hand lane, the left lane always has less traffic.
2 Keep to the fast lane on highways or on any road
The fast lane is the right hand lane on our highways. Technically, all cars should keep to the left lane on the highways, so that faster cars can overtake from the correct side (the right hand lane).
However, because Malaysian drivers often feel that they are “entitled” to stay on the “fast” lane because they are driving at the speed limit, it may be better to overtake these cars from their left.
If you are behind these cars that are travelling on the fast lane, the drivers tend to get very upset with you, especially if you flash them with your headlights politely to ask them to move over.
Never mind that it is wrong to overtake them from the left — they would probably get very angry with you and ask, “Why can’t you overtake me from the left?”
3 Give and take no quarter
It’s every man for himself here on the roads. In heavy traffic conditions, do not expect any courtesy from other drivers. This is the Malaysian way.
Do not expect anybody to yield for you. Expect instead that others will force their way into your lane at the last minute, most times without any signal or indicator of any sort.
Even if you are in the left-most lane, expect that somebody will try to overtake you using the emergency lane.
4 The signal is king
If you happen to cut in on anybody else on the road, it is very important that you must have your indicator lights on. It doesn’t matter that you only had it on for half a second before you did the lane change.
The “signal” light is king here. If anybody argues with you, you just have to say these magic words, “I got signal what!” and the other person will back off.
However, if you forgot to put on your turn signal, just show an angry face, and as long as you have a “louder” face and a fiercer look, you will get away with it.
5 What yellow box?
Do not worry about those yellow boxes at intersections. They are just there to mark the boundaries of the intersection. Legally, you have to keep the areas demarcated by the yellow lines clear of traffic, i.e. you have to wait for the area beyond the yellow lines to be clear of traffic before you proceed.
The yellow box is just a futile attempt by the authorities to maintain smooth traffic flow at intersections, but in Malaysia, you can just ignore them, because everybody else is.
If you are negligent, and don’t maintain a close gap between you and the car in front, someone else will surely cut in, and you will lose about four or five metres of distance, a very big issue here. It is a question of face, and losing face is a big no-no here.
6 Learn how to weave
Learning how to weave is a very important aspect of driving in Malaysia. By this we don’t mean for you to go out and buy a cloth loom. You have to learn how to weave, i.e. learn how to do quick lane changes from left to right, then left again, or vice versa, in between cars in order to overtake.
People here do not like to change lanes, and like to drive in formation with other cars. Therefore, if you need to go any place in a hurry, you have to learn how to drive around other traffic.
7 Drive in a bunch with others — it’s more fun
When driving on the highway, it is very fashionable to drive at the same speed as others. Make sure you help to cover all the lanes so that you look like a flock of geese. If you can make a perfect V like geese do, it will look very good to anybody who happens to be looking down at you from an airplane or a helicopter.
If you do it well, nobody else can overtake your group, and don’t forget to drive slowly to hold everybody behind your group back. Besides, you can get great pleasure looking at the antics of the people behind as they try futilely to get past.
8 Stop your car immediately after an accident
No matter how small a fender bender, you must stop your car immediately if you have an accident. It doesn’t matter if you are on a bridge, an access ramp, or in the fast lane on a highway. You have to stop, get out of your car, and inspect the damage to your car.
Do not worry about other traffic — they can drive around you if they want to get past. It’s better if you have a steering lock in your car. If you don’t have one, go get one immediately, the bigger the better.
The steering lock can be used as an attack or defence weapon. It is also useful for breaking the windscreen of the other car that you hit or which hit you.
Before any aggression, make sure the other person or his passengers do not have a hand phone camera or a dash cam — they can video you and earn great popularity with the video of you smashing their windscreen.
If you have a passenger, get your passenger to video you — you can get famous if you put up your video first.
9 Stop your car if you see an accident
If you see any accident, be it on your side of the road or the other side, be sure to stop and take pictures or a video. This is a great pastime for Malaysian drivers, and we do not want you to miss out on any opportunity to take videos or photographs.
Make sure you get the registration numbers of the cars involved, and buy the numbers at the nearest 4D shop. The numbers will surely strike first prize in the next draw.
If any car turns turtle, make sure you jumble all the numbers up in all possible combinations. If the car only has three numbers, add a zero to the front or back.
Sometimes, people still stop even though the accident cars have long gone, but if you ask around, there will be someone who can tell you the registration numbers of the accident cars, or tell you the full life history of the accident victims.
A 10 per cent commission is usually acceptable if you strike any lottery from the numbers given to you.
10 Emergency lanes are just another additional lane
If there is heavy traffic, and even if there is no heavy traffic, it is perfectly all right to use the emergency lane or the side table. (FYI, the emergency lane is that bit of the road on the left, usually meant for people who have problems with their cars, but if you are in a hurry, that qualifies as an emergency. In fact anything can qualify as an emergency. The fact that you are in a hurry and there are cars blocking the normal lanes qualifies as an emergency). You are perfectly within your rights as a road user to take the emergency lane anytime – after all, you have paid road tax, right?
