MAY 22 — Someone told me recently that getting married is a fulfilling thing and I’d be missing out if I didn’t tie the knot.
Of course, putting aside the fact that I’ve yet to find someone I’d like to get married to, it makes me wonder if marriage really is something that people should strive for.
Religious people argue that marriage is a sacred institution. Marriage, however, has been redefined several times throughout the centuries.
According to Stephanie Coontz, author of Marriage: A History, marriage was previously used to establish political or commercial alliances between noble and ruling families.
The Huffington Post reports Coontz as saying that in ancient Greece, marriage was for childbearing, while indigenous people in Botswana, for example, practised polygamy so that wives could help each other with household work.
In ancient Egypt, ancient Rome and medieval Europe, marriages were used as political tools and business contracts. Love and romance in medieval Europe were typically associated to extramarital affairs, not marriage.
The early Christians frowned on sex, but tolerated it in marriage for procreation purposes. During the 16th century, the Catholic Church described marriage as a sacrament while the Protestants were fine with marriage too, as long as you didn’t love your spouse too much.
The concept of love in marriage and the freedom to choose one’s own spouse, as opposed to having parents make the decision, came with the Enlightenment. Women were seen as asexual beings during the Victorian era, but in the 20th century, married couples were encouraged to have satisfying sex lives.
Nuclear families comprising a male breadwinner and stay-at-home mother, with a couple of children, became the ideal in the 1950s and now, marriage is seen as a human right with the fight for the legalisation of gay marriage.
Despite the advancement of the feminist movement, there still appears to be greater social pressure on women to get hitched. Men are encouraged to settle down too. However, the way weddings are commercialised – as if only the bride exists — shows how marriage is portrayed as a life goal that women, especially, should achieve.
So why do women and men get married?
Focusing on marriage as a legitimate way to have sexual relations, as both Muslims and Christians frown on premarital sex, only causes young people to get hitched when they’re not ready and subsequently, get divorced early.
Getting married as proof of commitment rings shallow these days when Malaysians get divorced every 10 minutes. Also, the so-called legal commitment to a single partner only applies to non-Muslims in Malaysia as Muslim men are allowed to have four wives.
Marriage, of course, is useful if you want to have kids as your husband is legally obligated to provide for them. I don’t think there are similar financial obligations for wives in Malaysia, so I’m not sure how men get legal benefits from marriage. Perhaps tax reliefs.
In any case, my main concern with marriage is the stereotypical roles associated to husband and wife that have yet to be shaken off despite more women having careers these days. Time reported last June that women in the US still do most of the household chores and childcare.
Would any man be willing to take on my surname or to have our children adopt my name? Would my partner be willing to prioritise my career over his, as the late David Goldberg did for his wife Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook chief operating officer?
Would he split childcare duties and household work equally when we both work nine-to-five? (I may even be working longer hours as a journalist).
More important than the celebration of love, I want marriage to be a truly supportive place for me as a woman.
Then only, will I think about signing a legal contract binding me to another person.
* This is the personal opinion of the columnist.
