DECEMBER 22 — 2014 had not been an easy ride for the Malaysian government. Despite numerous crackdowns – most noticeably using the Sedition Act to quell dissenting voices – there still seems to be “threats” against the government from opposition leaders, academics, NGOs and students. Turning off the lights in University Malaya certainly did not discourage the students from “tearing down the UM wall”.
It must be frustrating for the government. The bad news is that 2015 does not look to be any easier than 2014 – if anything, it looks more “threatening”!
However, all is not lost, and here are 11 things the government could do in this instalment of “2015 New Year’s Resolution”.
1. Expand the Sedition Act to cover “anyone who complains”
If there is one thing for certain in our 2015 predictions, it would be that the cost of living will rise. From April 2015, the 6% Goods and Services Tax (GST) will push up prices of most goods except for a few (namely, lobsters).
2014 had been a historical year for Malaysia in terms of petrol prices too, as petrol subsidies were removed for the first time, and changed to a ‘managed floating pricing system’. This was after endless manipulation of petrol prices - so many times that most Malaysians had lost track of what the petrol prices are!
The higher cost of living will lead to more dissatisfactions and there are bound to be more complaints and criticisms against the government.
If we are honest to ourselves, we know the Sedition Act is not to preserve peace and harmony, instead it is a weapon to protect the government against dissent. Why else would we charge Azmi Sharom, Teresa Kok, Rafizi Ramli, Susan Loone, and many others?
Thus, if we can expand the wording of Sedition Act to criminalise “anyone who complains”, that would prevent Malaysians from complaining when the prices go north.
The people do not know what is best for them anyway, only government does. Best to keep them mum.
2. Create a water pipeline from KLIA 2 to Selangor
Liow Tiong Lai’s defence that KLIA 2 was not experiencing flooding, but just “ponding”, was quite embarrassing, considering the water level was covering his ankles when he made that statement. But Liow is used to such embarrassments anyway - that is the function of the party he leads – so it is a non-issue.
More importantly, this poor condition is harder to justify when stacked against the previous scandals that had surrounded this project. The final price tag of RM 4 billion was well over estimated cost of RM 1.7 billion, and it was delayed on five occasions for a total of two-and-a-half years.
The best solution to the flooding is not to concede of the incompetency, but to say it is all “part of the plan”. The government should announce to the public that the water collected from KLIA 2 was supposed to go through a special water pipeline to Selangor to alleviate the water shortages there.
This will not only appear forward-thinking and innovative of the government, but the government would also look like the bigger man against the Pakatan-led Selangor government.
3. Create a new Stadium Bukit Jalil
We thought it was tactical to create a less-than-perfect football pitch at Stadium Bukit Jalil when we faced Thailand in the recent AFF Suzuki Cup Final. We thought that this could give our players who were used to subpar fields to have a competitive edge over the Thais. Unfortunately, it turned out that our players slipped on the field as many times, if not more, due to the poor conditions.
This is a good time to start a comprehensive state-of-the-art football stadium project (just imagine the amount of projects we can sub-generate, yikes!).
Fret not, the current Stadium Bukit Jalil can be used for the national players’ shooting practices, or better yet, Tengku Adnan can shift the homeless people from KL’s Golden Triangle to this stadium. It is more comfortable here anyway.
4. Create “25 Heroic Chinese”
The open letter by 25 ‘prominent Malays’ demanding intellectual discourse and review of issues relating to the Constitution and religion had been nothing short of impactful. More and more Malays are starting to feel uncomfortable with the ways government manipulated the legal system.
This calls for a revolutionary counter-movement by the government to combat them.
By creating “25 Heroic Chinese”, the main agenda is to show satisfaction with the current system. It is revolutionary because status quo is oppressive to the minorities, and using an oppressed group to maintain the current oppressive system does not get more confusing.
This group can be led by Ridhuan Tee, and we can be assured that more confusion will be thrown into the mix with his leadership.
More confusion will drive people away, and all will be well again.
5. Create an email template that sends out default “taken out of context” emails
“Taken out of context”, or TOOC, had been a common defence by the government. It seeks to vindicate all blame of anything that was said publicly.
Najib claimed that he was TOOC when he told Umno members to emulate the courageous acts of Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) militants; Datuk Seri Zahid Hamidi said he was TOOC when saying Malays are paying the price of being kind to non-Malays who were growing arrogant; Khairy said his Umno General Assembly speech of warning the non-Malays not to challenge Malay ‘special rights’ was TOOC; Mohd Zaidi said his claim that Penang Chinese gained political power with ill-gotten gains was also TOOC.
It is very convenient, and arguably effective. Therefore, it should just be within the system that default TOOC emails are sent out after every public speech.
6. Establish a maximum security exam paper printing and storage facility
UPSR leaks seem to have caused a commotion for the government. Poor children had to re-sit for their exams.
To ensure this does not happen again, a maximum security exam paper printing and storage facility, resembling the supermax prison at ADX Florence, Colorado, should be established as soon as possible. The government should not think twice to spend on this, as spending a lot on education is always a good thing.
Alternatively, we could shift the printing and storage operations to London, like what Muhyiddin suggested. I am not too sure of the reason for this proposition, but anything in London is surely better, I suppose. It could give our dear Ministers another reason to travel to “Kampung London”, but let us not hold Muhyiddin to account on this, he might be TOOC.
7. Change all the road names
I personally agree with the change of Jalan Ipoh – it was not in Ipoh! For once, the government read my mind, and I truly appreciate this.
The road name changes are going to create confusion, but what the people do not realise is that the confusion is a good thing.
The confusion helps us embrace an old Malaysian tradition of “Malaysian timing”, as it helps us justify why we are late. The confusion also allows the taxi drivers to legitimise their exorbitant charges, as “I could not find the place” is a proper excuse to extend the journey time. Lastly, the confusion will result in consuming more petrol, which will contribute to the government’s revenue.
It is all good, really. Do it!
8. Rally for non-protests
The opposition had been staging effective protests in raising awareness against the malpractices and incompetency of the government. This is an alarming threat.
What the government can do in 2015 is to stage a protest against protests. This protest will hold banners of “No Protests”, “True Malays do not protest” or “Protests are not Islamic”.
Perkasa and ISMA can lead these rallies, as we have been paying them too much in the first place to do nothing. All we need to expend more on is to provide them each with a sunglass and matching t-shirts. If we are feeling generous, a pack of Dunhill each will not hurt. These people crave for those things.
9. Launch nationwide “Restore Blood Purity” and “Selfie” Campaign
These two campaigns will prove instrumental in the success of the government.
The Hindu deity on water bottles and the alleged pork DNA in Cadbury chocolates show that there is an agenda to mingle impure blood into the pure Muslim bloodstream. Therefore, “restore blood purity” campaign must be made compulsory to ensure we avert these “internal” blood threats.
Secondly, Najib’s selfie game this year had been strong. From Obama, Lee Hsien Loong, Erdogan, and Jokowi – my God, he is popular! And there is no denying how adored Hishammuddin was in the Umno General Assembly. A true ladies’ man, he was.
Launching a nationwide selfie campaign where Malaysians can take selfies with these two superstars will surely attract the votes, especially from the young. While we are at that, we can produce 1Malaysia selfie monopods. I think I just heard Tan Sri Syed Mokhtar al-Bukhary said he is on it.
Oh well!
10. Legalise Homosexual/Transsexual marriages, illegalise Homosexual/Transsexual divorces
The recent Court of Appeal decision to overturn the religious law in Negeri Sembilan that prohibit men cross-dressing was certainly inconsistent with government’s conservative stance. How can the judiciary not listen to what the government wants? It must be so heart-breaking.
A new idea is needed, and it must be unique.
If we legalise homosexual/transsexual marriages, but illegalise homosexual/transsexual divorces, then we will see how much they truly want it. Since 1 in 10 marriages in Malaysia ended in divorces, this solution will surely make them think twice before entering into marriages and demanding for their rights recognised.
Moreover, the government can take temporary credit for being progressive in recognising homosexual/transsexual rights to marriage, and Najib can make one of his mouth-watering (literally) speeches.
11. Let Khairy handle the rest of 1MDB
Rafizi Ramli and Tony Pua dubbed the 1MDB scandal as one of the worst financial scandals in Malaysian history. The unexplained RM 42 billion debt that 1MDB incurred is terribly worrying.
It is no secret - the 1MDB issue is a time-bomb. Whoever in government takes it, that person will implode.
Ahmad Maslan tried to play around with it, and he had to endure one of the most humiliating parliamentary sessions by openly apologising for a mistake, which is unheard of from the government. He did not even use the traditional “TOOC” defence!
Since Khairy’s “Non-Malays should not challenge Malay special rights” speech, it is confirmed that he is a person who is willing to do whatever it takes to consolidate his power within UMNO, even if that means sacrificing his long-established moderate stance. He is a man who would take one for the team.
He had taken a major hit, and he will not mind taking another one if it means it would help his career. If he does take this on, the government can consider appointing him to a more valuable position within the government.
He would rejoice.
Funny Malaysia or Tragic Malaysia?
Why did I choose the odd number of 11, you ask? Well, that is because 11 is Najib’s favourite number, and this would bring good luck.
Given the value system and intelligence of our leaders today, all we could count on is luck to make our country better.
I will be honest, writing this was not exactly as fun as I first thought. Humour can only go so far, before we realise that these might actually destroy our and our children’s future if all we care about is laughing about them.
Use this satire as a starting point to participate in organisations that could actualise your ideals for what Malaysia can be. Change is voluntary, and we must take action on that dreams of ours.
The government can have these 11 New Year’s Resolutions, but we must have at least this one: join something, spread awareness and take action.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, Malaysia.
* This is the personal opinion of the writer or organisation and does not necessarily represent the views of Malay Mail Online.
