NOVEMBER 14 — This year, something happened to me which I have never experienced before. In fact, it occurred twice.

I was ghosted.

First case. I spoke to the owner of a furniture shop. We agreed to do a short interview about the unique problems his sector experienced from the lockdown; his perennial complaints about outsourced transportation companies, what future challenges he foresees, etc.

We agreed that he’d take a few days to prepare and then we’d meet again.

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When the deadline came, guess what? He didn’t show. He refused to answer my calls and didn’t get back to me on Messenger. Nada.

Second case. I have (or should I say, “had”?) a friend who migrated to Australia last year. We have been friends for at least nine or 10 years, kept in touch throughout the pandemic, I even discussed ideas with him over his migration plans.

So he went to Australia, we remained in touch via WhatsApp and Facebook then, after three months, he simply broke off contact completely.

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I — and, I suspect, a few others — sent him numerous messages. His Instagram is still active and he is still posting photos. But he simply refuses to answer any of my half dozen messages from three months ago.

As with the furniture dude, it appears he just decided that when it came to my friendship with him he would become, well, a ghost.

Note that ghosting isn’t when someone screams at you and declares she never wants to see your face ever again. That isn’t ghosting; that’s telling you to go to hell and stay there.

Social media has made us downright scared of caring for others in a special way. ―  AFP pic
Social media has made us downright scared of caring for others in a special way. ― AFP pic

The term ghosting is also not applied to friendships which gradually drift apart. This isn’t like your old friends from primary or secondary school whom you just never contact ever again because, well, you and they have simply moved on with your lives.

In such cases, like reunions, often there is a half-hearted pretense at “catching up”; but usually nobody is disappointed or even surprised if no more contact ensues afterwards.

No, ghosting is when a person suddenly decides to amputate a relationship “just like that” without any explanation and for no immediately discernible reason.

The question is, of course, why.

Shame, ego, indifference or something else?

In the case of the furniture guy, I’d just spoken to him barely two or three days before he made a conscious effort to never ever talk to me again.

I was thinking hard about it and the only logical reason I can think of is that this person was just unable to meet the deadlines we both agreed on.

In normal cases, however, a (lame?) excuse or reason is given, and the deadline pushed. Alternatively, the person apologises for backing out despite promising to deliver.

In this case, it appears the person just couldn’t be bothered to do either of these things. Maybe it’s ego or shame or sheer indifference to the concept of a business commitment, but he chose to cut off relations without explanation.

The second case (of the person who migrated) is even more bizarre because there appears to be no other explanation other than he told himself he’s going to cut certain friendships (in particular one or two from Malaysia) loose.

Look, abruptly terminating a business transaction with a stranger or an acquaintance is bad enough. But why drop long-term friendships like that?

Notice also that ghosting does not refer to situations where, say, Jack has done something terrible with regards to Jill, can’t bring himself to face her and thus breaks off contact.

In such cases, Jill may not even want to see Jack and the “un-friending” is practically mutual. (But see below for cases where ghosting may legitimately apply to relationships.)

But, at least in my second case, this isn’t how things turned out. In fact, the week before he refused to answer any more of my messages, we were happily trading stories and jokes the way besties normally do.

Was the friendship a farce from inception? I’m almost reminded of relationship scams when someone gets really close to another person just to swindle said victim of thousands in cash.

Except it doesn’t apply to my second case. In this scenario, someone woke up in the morning in a foreign country and decided that he’ll never communicate with certain folks in Malaysia (with whom he was close with) ever again.

Who does that? Why?

Social media the culprit?

Of late, most ghosting experiences have occurred in the context of mobile-dating or relationships which have a heavy social-media component (eg, the couple either met online or continue the courtship via social media or find it hard to conceive of a romantic relationship without mediating technologies or all).

Ghosting in such contexts often occurs because of the sheer discomfort involved in having to explain oneself — it must be easier to block and delete the contact forever.

The problem here is that people who spend their entire waking lives on Twitter or WhatsApp may have genuine trouble relating to others face to face.

Overly used to writing strong comments on Reddit or a Facebook group, some individuals may feel completely helpless when having to negotiate a confrontation or breakdown when such a thing is happening barely two feet in front of their faces.

Closely related to behaviour is the phenomenon known as “breadcrumbing” i.e. those flirtatious half-committed acts of trying to lure a potential partner into a relationship without ever truly committing one’s self. The common thread here seems to be a fear or inability when it comes to taking the plunge.

Social media has made us downright scared of caring for others in a special way. This, perhaps, is why more people choose to behave like international spy-moles and break off relationships, preferring “never to be seen again” because actually engaging with another person would be too excruciating.

Far more comfy to keep scrolling the abyss of Twitter and Facebook than act like a human being.

*This is the personal opinion of the columnist.