SEPTEMBER 7 — It was billed as a historic dinner at the White House — but what America got was a Michelin-starred butt-kissing festival, a banquet where the appetizers were flattery, the main course was obsequiousness, and dessert was one billionaire after another groveling like interns fighting for unpaid overtime. Donald Trump sat at the head of the table like a sun-burnt Roman emperor, beaming as America’s smartest men turned into human Hallmark cards.
And in the middle of it all, the biggest irony: five of these high priests of tech are Indian-origin, yet Trump has India marinated in tariffs so high you’d think dal and dosa were weapons of mass destruction.
Oh, and Elon Musk wasn’t there. The one man who would’ve turned the whole evening into a WWE cage match skipped dinner, leaving the room quieter than a Tesla charging station in the middle of Kansas.
Part I: The “high IQ group”
Trump welcomed the room by christening it his “High IQ Group.” You could almost hear brains short-circuiting as Sundar Pichai (Google), Satya Nadella (Microsoft), Tim Cook (Apple), Mark Zuckerberg (Meta), Sam Altman (OpenAI), and Bill Gates pretended not to notice the irony. Trump calling them high IQ is like Gordon Ramsay complimenting your microwave noodles — technically accurate, but delivered with the subtlety of a sledgehammer.
They weren’t just there to eat. No, this was an auction of loyalty. Trump leaned in with his best mob boss impression: “So, how much are you investing in our country?” One by one, the CEOs pledged more billions than the GDP of half the United Nations. Apple, Meta, Google, Microsoft — hundreds of billions apiece. If you squinted, it looked less like a dinner and more like Shark Tank: Dictator’s Edition.
Part II: The irony thali — Five Indians, one tariff king
And then there was the unmissable thali of irony. Sitting around the table: Sundar Pichai, Satya Nadella, Sanjay Mehrotra (Micron), Vivek Ranadive (TIBCO), Shyam Sankar (Palantir). Five Indian-origin CEOs, each taking turns praising America as the “trusted platform” for global innovation.
Meanwhile, their homeland was slapped with 50 per cent tariffs, because Trump once woke up, looked at a curry menu, and declared India the “Tariff King.” This is like complimenting someone’s cooking while they spit in your soup. Every speech sounded like: “America is the shining beacon of opportunity, Mr. President… by the way, can we get a Groupon code for those crushing tariffs?”
Pichai praised Trump’s AI action plan. Nadella said America was a platform trusted by the world. Somewhere in Delhi, an onion cried.
Part III: Elon the missing ghost
And then, the chair with the most power wasn’t even filled. Elon Musk. The Iron Man of tech. The chaos gremlin of capitalism. The only man who could have turned this into a pay-per-view event.
But he wasn’t there. No rocket emojis, no awkward “420” jokes, no promises to colonize the State Dining Room with a Dogecoin. Just silence. The kind of silence that makes you wonder if Musk skipped because his ego couldn’t handle not being the center of attention. Or maybe because he was too busy posting memes about Biden’s teeth. Either way, his absence screamed louder than Zuckerberg trying to smile like a human.
Part IV: Viral gratitude Olympics
Tim Cook, poor guy, went viral for saying “thank you” eight times in two minutes. That’s not gratitude — that’s Stockholm Syndrome in keynote form. Somewhere in Cupertino, Siri muttered, “Tim, blink twice if you’re in danger.”
Mark Zuckerberg had a hot-mic moment where he whispered, “I wasn’t sure…” which is exactly what every Meta user says before accidentally sending their aunt a VR lap dance invite.
Sam Altman called Trump “a refreshing change.” That’s what you say when your coffee tastes like burnt toast but at least it didn’t kill you.
And Satya Nadella, the man running Microsoft, smiled politely while Trump roasted him like a marshmallow at a Boy Scout campfire.
Part V: The buffet of hypocrisy
This was the Silicon Buffet of Hypocrisy.
These CEOs, who preach globalism and open borders for ideas, sat applauding the same man who turns tariffs into personality traits. They cheered like high school kids at prom, hoping Trump would remember their name when the yearbook came out.
Imagine it: Zuckerberg’s algorithm deciding whether to clap every four seconds, Pichai calculating ROI on every “Mr. President,” and Cook counting the number of times he could thank Trump before passing out. Meanwhile, Bill Gates stared into the middle distance, probably wondering why Windows updates still take five hours.
Part VI: The emperor’s dinner theatre
Trump basked like a Vegas headliner: “How much will you invest? Billions? Trillions? Fantastic, more than anyone in history.” Each pledge was more absurd than the last. Apple and Meta promised US$600 billion apiece. Google: US$250 billion. Microsoft: US$80 billion a year. By dessert, the room had pledged enough money to buy the moon, Mars, and a controlling stake in Disney.
The reality? These numbers were less solid than Trump’s hairline in a hurricane. But in the moment, it didn’t matter. Trump got his applause. The CEOs got their headlines. America got… indigestion.
Part VII: The aftertaste
When the plates were cleared and the cameras packed up, the headlines rolled in: “Tech CEOs Praise Trump’s Leadership.” “High IQ Group Pledges Trillions.” “Tim Cook Breaks Guinness Record for Thank Yous.”
It was part Silicon Valley summit, part reality TV, part satire no comedian could top. Musk’s absence, the Indian irony, the viral gratitude — it all played like an episode of Veep scripted by Quentin Tarantino.
Closing roast
So here’s the takeaway: America’s richest geniuses spent an evening stroking Trump’s ego like it was a golden retriever. Five Indian-origin CEOs praised the man who tariffed their homeland into the Stone Age. Tim Cook thanked Trump until he nearly turned into a gratitude emoji. And Elon Musk ghosted the whole circus, probably tweeting “lol” from a hot tub on Mars.
It wasn’t a dinner. It was a comedy special. The Great Silicon Smooch-Fest. A reminder that in America, even the smartest people will kiss the ring if the cameras are rolling.
* This is the personal opinion of the writer or publication and does not necessarily represent the views of Malay Mail.
