March 18 — When Malay daily Utusan Malaysia broke the news of DAP leaders Zairil Khir Johari and Dyana Sofya Mohd Daud allegedly getting engaged last week, citing an anonymous source no less, some in the media thought it was a masterpiece of trolling.
After all, both had vehemently denied their relationship to the public, and Zairil himself had refused to even acknowledge the ceremony when quizzed by Malay Mail.
So it came as a surprise (somewhat) when the next day Zairil himself posted on Facebook the photo of the engagement card; a luxurious almost velvety purple card, embossed in gold with the couple’s initials “ZD” and the hashtag #zairilxdyana.
“I am truly happy to have found in Dyana someone whom I know will make a compatible and supportive partner in life. More importantly, Dyana is loved dearly by all in my family, especially my two children,” Zairil wrote.
It is at this point that one should make clear that in an ideal world, perhaps the personal life of a public figure, especially a politician, should not have much bearing on their professional achievement. Consenting adults should be left to their own devices.
But alas, political reality in Malaysia dictates otherwise. And the fact is, “rumours” of their “affair” in the last four years have probably dented DAP’s public image.
As early as 2014, photos were spread online of a couple who bore a striking resemblance to the two together.
Both of them had then slammed the allegation as “gutter politics”, with Dyana saying it was not the first time doctored photos were used against her.
When more photos and videos were spread last year, Zairil finally commented publicly, telling Malay Mail: “They are fake, and that’s all I have to say.”
Zairil revealed after the engagement last week that his marriage was dissolved last year.
I had the opportunity of covering Dyana during the Teluk Intan by-election in 2014, and was frustrated by voters and contesting parties’ — Pakatan Rakyat included — preoccupation with Dyana’s looks as her best selling point.
And yet, Dyana in recent times has been reduced to exactly that, even if not by her conscious choice.
Her last major public appearance was for a Sinar Harian forum with Puteri Umno’s exco Dira Abu Zahar — discussing the importance of beauty in politics.
A recent DAP meet-up event’s poster put Dyana at the centre over other consequential young leaders — together with another young leader whose looks caught the attention of many, Kajang councillor Syefura Othman.
After the “affair” controversy last year, analysts had said that DAP’s image was affected only among the Malay voters but this time round, they told Malay Mail that the two’s political careers may as well be over.
In recent times, Malay wedding culture has evolved in a way that places engagements in an awkward space.
Traditionally, a small number of representatives from a man’s family would meet with the family of the woman to enquire on her availability, in a process called “merisik.”
Should she be available, the man’s representatives would then send a delegate to the woman’s family in a process called “meminang”, to formally express the man’s desire to wed the woman.
The woman’s family would deliberate, as a matter of custom, before sending their own delegate back to accept the proposal.
Only afterwards would the “bertunang” ceremony -- the engagement itself -- be held, where the bride-to-be would usually be presented with a ring by the man’s mother, as a “sign” that she is “taken.” This would be accompanied by several gifts called “hantaran.”
The man would not be present at any of the previously mentioned ceremonies.
But in modern times, the lines between the ceremonies get blurred. Increasingly, men would be present at these ceremonies, although most of the times not present at the venues themselves.
The “bertunang” ceremony has also become increasingly lavish, and akin to wedding receptions or “bersanding”, complete with elaborate — and costly — clothes and dais.
What was previously a private affair is now commonly shared with friends and family, and for some, openly with the public.
This public eye on an engagement ceremony when a couple is yet to even marry, puts a considerable pressure on the two, especially if the wedding is cancelled by either or both parties.
We saw this happening recently with the engagement of popular singer Sufian Suhaimi and actor Elfira Loy who dominated the gossip pages after their marriage was called off recently.
While the couple themselves did not comment on the reason they broke up, friends and family have been commenting on what went wrong with the anticipated celebrity marriage.
Elfira’s mother had accused Sufian of not being able to afford the cash to be gifted as part of the “hantaran”, and even suggested that the singer is not proficient in reading the Quran.
Sufian’s manager then accused the mother of unilaterally cancelling the wedding even though Elfira is still in love and was the one pursuing Sufian. And then suddenly Elfira’s father admitted that he himself has been uneasy about the pairing since the engagement itself.
In Malay culture, if the man is the one who calls it off, the woman can keep the “hantaran.” But if it is the other way round, the woman must return the ring and the “hantaran.” It was Elfira’s father who returned the ring to Sufian.
Perhaps the episode can serve as a lesson to those looking to marry: that they should first agree with each other the extent of their family’s involvement. Because like it or not, in most cultures getting married means getting married to each other’s family as well, and whether you get accepted into the family depends on the wedding as well.
It could also serve a lesson for parents to respect their children’s choices and be supportive, since after all it is the couple who would have to live together through thick and thin until their dying days.
As for the public, it seems prudent to remember that sometimes things work out and sometimes they don’t and when the latter happens, it is just best to keep moving on.
