APRIL 29 — Humanity this week has been divided between those who have watched Avengers: Endgame, and those who haven’t.
The first group, since Wednesday, has begun to behave like billionaires whose every care in the world has been met, while the second group resembles reality TV hopefuls who have devoted themselves to two things in life a) waiting patiently for the day they get to watch it and b) ensuring a spoiler doesn’t hit their phones before then because, frankly, an asteroid hitting Earth would be more agreeable.
This is how much we love Avengers: Endgame: Making sure that one doesn’t “accidentally” see a spoiler for the movie is NOT considered a First World problem. It is, in fact, a fundamental axiom of life as undeniable as the soul’s right to breathe.
To love and anticipate a movie (or, in the case of Game of Thrones, a hit TV series) so much only to have some idiot reveal a key plot component, or who didn’t die, or which new character appeared, or even which advertisements were being shown prior to the movie, is to experience a heartache so intense one may need to mourn for 40 days and nights.
There are people online already threatening to kidnap their friends’ children for life if these irresponsible parents even use the hashtag #AvengersEndgame or #Endgame or just #End.
There are people in business meetings who will demand HR letters be issued to any one at the table who dares talk about whether or not Thor dies in the movie.
There are drivers who will honk at the car next to them if that other driver happens to be browsing Captain Marvel hairstyles on her phone because, who knows, she may accidentally click on a movie review site with a spoiler and thus both drivers may dissolve into ash and melt away.
The other day I was at this burger stall in Damansara Utama and the cook introduced a new burger named ─ surprise, surprise ─ Endgame Burger. This couple took one look at the menu and walked away sobbing.
If you ever need an impetus to break your smartphone addiction habit, then the days until you watch the movie should help.
Millions of people have been trying very hard to stay off Facebook and Twitter; they’ve changed their Notification settings to block every alphabet in #AvengersEndgame, they’ve unfollowed or un-friended every one of their Marvel-loving friends (and their friends) and they have even started learning a new language to kill time.
Heck, some of us have even begun talking to our parents and kids at dinner.
All this determination, struggle and labour until our own 3-hour slot comes to watch the movie. But even then, guess what, the suffering may not end.
#AvengersBlackout
We can only hope that, on that fateful day, the cinema in question won’t do something which is sadly getting more and more common in Malaysia: Blackout halfway.
Even if it’s not a blackout, even a simple glitch can ruin the movie for everybody, e.g. the audio goes mute.
Audio meltdowns appear to be the most common mishap afflicting Malaysian cinemas. It’s like the speakers just give up, throw their hands in the air and say, “Screw it, I’ve had enough.”
I’m sure you know what I mean. And if you’re like me, you can probably name each and every movie in which the volume went from 10,000 to 0 in less than 2 seconds, and for some reason it’s always during “critical” moments.
For yours truly, it was the following: The Force Awakens (audio died just when rebel fighters were swarming on Kylo Ren & company on planet Takodana), Captain Marvel (the audio died when Nick Fury met Brie Larson, but I didn’t really care because this movie was meh, IMO), Who Am I? (starring Jackie Chan, where the film went silent right at the point Jackie was about to jump off the skyscraper! I kid you not! We were watching Jackie slide, slip and fall down the side of the building like it was a section of a musical score labelled “piano piano”, which is like Italian for Don’t Make A Sound).
Also, almost 20 years ago, I was watching Anti-Trust (starring Ryan Philippe, when the whole inema went dark and the guy told us sorry we’ll have to give you a refund).
I swear that for GE 15, Malaysians will vote for the politician who can put an end to movie theatre malfunctions. I think it’s safe to declare that if your cinema goes offline during Avengers: Endgame, some of your fellow movie-goers may start a riot and storm the cinema manager’s house (and that guy better have home insurance).
And, by the way, if you’re on Twitter, on Thursday (or earlier) one poor soul uploaded a short vid of their dark and blank cinema and you can clearly hear some patrons tell the establishment to go and, uh, have intimate relationships with whoever.
The person highlighted the painful fact that simply refunding RM15-20 for the movie ticket isn’t enough: You need to refund the office leave they took, the car fuel, the food they bought, the lost enjoyment (and the phrase “potong stim” has no better application than this), the parking ticket.
Basically, the cinema needs to give back the cinema-goers their very existence.
Because that’s what a movie like Avengers: Endgame is to some people. It’s the reason we are given eyes, ears, fingers to hold cinema tickets and butts which fit a cinema chair. And having someone spoil the movie for us is the reason why we are given frowns, bad language and the “Unfriend Forever” button.
So now you know why spoilers aren’t simply a First World Problem. Because a film like Avengers: Endgame is the world itself.
* This is the personal opinion of the columnist.
