JANUARY 26 ― Okay, so the title may sound like a stupid question. Why would I even ask, right? Of course everyone wants to be happy. It’s crazy not to want to be happy.
Because isn’t that why we slave away at work every day to make sure the bills get paid and the Internet connection (and thus Netflix) doesn’t get cut? So we can look forward to vacations and be able to afford some nice things in life on the side?
Stop right there. What does being happy even mean? The default go-to answer for a lot of people is that it’s subjective and depends on who you ask. But if you’re thinking about your favourite nasi lemak or more orgasms or more Netflix time, here’s a newsflash: you really had pleasure, not happiness, in mind.
Both are good, of course. Feeling pleasure and being happy are sometimes intertwined and overlap with each other. But they’re different things. The fact is, happiness is a state of mind, not something you find waiting at the bar after hours.
What is worth recognising here is that pleasure does not always lead to happiness. Before you jump up in protest at this last statement, think about alcoholics who keep seeking the pleasure of the bottle. Same goes with gambling addicts ― they seek what gives them pleasure, but are they happy in the end?
Contrast that to raising kids. Ask anyone who has given birth to a baby, cared for the baby as it grew into a toddler and later an independent, thinking grown-up.
A lot of the time it’s a torturous, thankless endeavour: sleep deprivation, stress, limited time for friends, cutting away one guilty pleasure after another so you can buy your kid’s diapers and toys and maybe save up some to finance his education. This list can go on.
Yet since that is the case, have you wondered why people keep having kids that they then have to raise? Because after the gritty nitty is done and you watch your kid playing contentedly or sleeping in peace at night, you feel like you did something meaningful. You’re happy, even though you just went through tears and pain and other things the thesaurus will come up with at this point.
And that is the great contradiction of happiness: you don’t necessarily find happiness by doing things that give you pleasure or make you feel good. In contrast, you can find happiness by trying to become something bigger than yourself ― the ideal you.
And the question of what makes us happy is so subjective precisely because we all have different aspirations when we think about the most ideal person we can possibly be.
It’s why some people find happiness in the very slogging at work that others grumble about. Some people find happiness when they quit their jobs to go back to university and get a Master's degree, despite realising they’ll be broke doing so, and others think that’s crazy bovine fecal matter and stick to their 9-to-5.
Because it comes down to who we are and what we think we can become if we put in enough effort. I’m overweight, so I would love to lose some weight and get healthier. But the process is far from pleasant ― watching my diet, exercising, the muscle aches and whatnot ― but achieving the end-result and realising I have accomplished a goal through hard work and persistence would make me happy.
That’s why pursuing pleasure alone won’t necessarily make you happy. Because you may enjoy the Netflix bingeing or going through the KFC bucket once a week, but when it’s over and done, you’re not any closer to improving who you are on the inside, to becoming the ideal you.
And when the dust settles, these pleasure pursuits may make you even less happy than you were, especially when the consequence of these activities take you even further from where your ideal self is.
That is why we can never be happy every single minute of every single day: happiness is fleeting because it isn’t about the end-result. It’s the journey. We find happiness by immersing ourselves in the process itself, ironically so since most of the time the process hurts.
So how do we find lasting happiness? Whoever said this first got it right: life’s a journey, not a destination. So keep the journey going. The moment you reach a landmark, look to the next ideal you to march to.
Keep living, man.
*This is the personal opinion of the columnist.
