MARCH 14 — 1. Where have the John 3:16 banners gone? Granted we don’t expect to see those in Asia, but even in England fans seemed to have left their religion at home (in place of their religion on the pitch?). 

I recall back in the 80s when I first started watching, the stadiums were practically outdoor churches. As opposed to nowadays in places like Singapore where churches are virtually indoor stadiums.

What’s with sports divorcing religion? I’m not saying that football needs a dose of faith but let’s be honest, isn’t a banner saying, “FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD THAT HE BLAHBLAHBLAH” a lot better than, say, racism, Fascism or, God forbid, a crowd surge?

Marx said that revolutions are often stalled because the working rakyat get caught up in religion — which he called the opiate of the people. In other words, get the masses high and you’ll never need to pay them better. 

Wouldn’t it be ironic if religion is now absent from the NEW opium of the masses i.e. football?

2.            Why do the team captains exchange a pointless, useless souvenir right before the start of the match? Can’t they exchange something more reflective of the country or club, especially during the World Cup? E.g. kim-chi from Koreans, sausages from the Germans, tiny red double-decker buses from the English, boomerangs (or baby kangaroos) from the Aussies, etc.?

Or, gasp, could this be some subtle Capitalist ploy by evil football flag-makers?

I was at Batu Caves recently. I noticed that about 70 per cent of women tourists had to wear this batik-like flowery leg-wrapping cloth. This is because, hmm, women’s shorts have been prohibited. 

At first I granted that modesty was a factor but, uh, most of the gweilo tourists aren’t exactly wearing full-length abayas on the way up those 272 steps.

Batu Caves — like practically every tourist attraction in KL — is a scene for hundreds of mid-riffs, barebacks, and clothes which look barely painted on. 

So, those are okay but shorts are not?

Reasons. That’s the human gift and our curse: The play and ploy of reasons. We’ve simply stopped asking why; we treat so many things as “natural.” 

Profiteering? Oh that’s so universal... just like 22 dudes trying to put a ball into two goal-posts.

3.            Why can’t there be on-the-ground audio so we can hear the conversations between the referee and players? I mean, since everyone’s saying how drama is an essential part of the game, why shouldn’t we get the full unscripted gig? 

Peeps, there are like 10,000 photographers and cameramen positioned all around the field — can’t some dude just point a super powerful-ass mike to the key people involved every time someone looks like they’re saying something really interesting?

The writer wonders why can’t there be on-the-ground audio so we can hear the conversations between the referee and players? — Reuters pic
The writer wonders why can’t there be on-the-ground audio so we can hear the conversations between the referee and players? — Reuters pic

Wouldn’t it be ironic if, in a social media age where there are no secrets anymore, that we still need to guess what people are saying in an open field? Heck, today we know things like what Madonna’s servants ate for lunch, the identity of JFK’s true killer, and when exactly Justin Bieber will break up with Selena Gomez — why in the name of Facebook downtime can’t we know in real-time what the referee is saying to number 11?! 

Is the football pitch the last bastion of traditional privacy?

4.            What’s with the children leading the players out of the tunnel? Does the match proceeds go to their charity? Does football have anything remotely to do with children (like, how, one could argue that the sport of boxing — given its blatant celebration of brute male force — does have SOME affinity to the scantily-clad women holding up the signs announcing the next round)? 

On a related question, why don’t we ever have half-undressed men carrying “Round 3” placards? Or is boxing the last refuge of traditional sexuality?

Are the kids there to give the media an awwww-so-cute moment just before grown men kick each other in the jewels? Are they there to forcibly remind the audience that football should be a sport for “everyone” instead of just a) men b) working-class folks who can’t afford to play golf?  Or, what is most likely the case, are the kids there to ensure that the players to walk around in circles before having their picture taken?

You have to hand it to football: Almost every match begins and ends more or less on time. If office meetings were like this, heck, people may actually see their kids more often.

5.            Why doesn’t the Official Match Stats — which compares things like Shots on Goal, Off-Sides, Red/Yellow Cards, Corners, etc. — include something like Number of Times Ball Struck Posts, Number of Bad Passes, Number of Fits Thrown by the Manager, etc.?

Wouldn’t this be faithful to the present trends of monitoring everything? Take the present Fitness Tracker craze. I’m like, why stop at checking the number of steps we take. Why not measure:

  • the authenticity of our smiles/handshakes/conversations or, better yet, those of others?
  • the level of our certainty (each time we suspect ourselves of bull-shitting)?
  • the quality of our sexual arousal, you know, in case you can’t tell if you’re truly attracted to the person or if it’s merely the rush of the marathon?
  • the exact amount of vitamin A or calcium or fat streaming out of our gut into our bloodstream?
  • the number of hours we’ve wasted on social media today?

Wouldn’t the above blend consistently with the corporate drive towards “capturing” (and, of course, manipulating) the happiness levels of their employees? Isn’t it a relief to know that profits STILL depend on workers being happy? Imagine if misery were better for money-making. 

I shudder.

* This is the personal opinion of the columnist.