Raise your child to be resilient, not self-esteem — Ko Teik Yen

NOVEMBER 27 — How to teach our children to buckle up and enjoy the thrill of life’s rollercoaster ride!

In today’s climate of growing rates of teen suicide and depression, internet addiction, substance abuse, high school dropout rates, delinquency, bullying and violence, parents may need to rethink their primary parenting task.

Should parents be focusing on the need to raise resilient children who will have the ability to cope with the challenges, setbacks, delays at home, school and relationships and are able to carry this mental attitude and skills through their teenage and adult years instead of academic or personal achievements?

As a parent, I often ask myself; how can I prepared my children to overcome the difficulties, uncertainties and insecurities that will surely cross their path? How can I raise them to be able to stand up for themselves and bounce back when facing a difficult, hurtful or disappointing situation? What it needs to let our children feel safe enough to fall down and get back up on their own? How can we teach our children to say to themselves, during those low moments in life; “I make a mistake” or “I did not perform well today, what can I learn from it” instead of “I am a failure,” “I am hopeless.”

The one biggest and most damaging parenting myth

Many parents have focused their energies largely on helping their children achieve successful outcomes measured in academic, sporting or social terms, in the name of high self-esteem. The pressure on parents to raise children with great self-esteem, a high degree of confidence and a developed sense of entitlement resulted in a group of children who were just what their parents hoped they would be: Brash, bold and self-assured, with unrelenting high standards on others and themselves.

However, the flipside of this parenting agenda was that this generation tended to hear nothing but praise and vague affirmation. Every child was told how special, unique and talented they were regardless of effort or ability to be flexible.

The result? A “precious” generation who were, in many cases, sheltered from experiences of hardship, criticism, failure and disappointment. Added to all this, our children have grown up with microwave ovens, lightning speed internet and fast food for instant gratifications and ever increasing convenience and comfort. In a very real sense, they have never learned the skills or needed to develop the character and patience to persist despite setback, failure, disappointment or criticism.

1. Focus on effort, strategies and skills not talent

Many believe that (a) praising (e.g. “Wow! You are really smart and talented”); students' intelligence builds their confidence and motivation to learn, and (b) students' inherent intelligence is the major cause of their achievement in school. However, Prof Carol Dweck from Stanford in her research of more than 35 years has shown that the first belief is false and that the second can be harmful—even for the most competent students.

Children who were told they were talented were more likely to rely on their intelligence and are concerned about keeping up with the appearance of being “smart or talented” rather than trying to learn new skills. This group that was praised for being “smart” suddenly focused on managing the appearance of intelligence to avoid the risk of making a mistake. The “smart” group quickly developed a fear of failure and did everything to avoid it, whenever possible. Some resorted to manipulation in order to maintain their “smart” appearance.

However, if a kid was told that they were doing well because of their effort, they were more likely to take risks and try increasingly difficult problems. They are more willing to face up with challenges, and try different strategies to solve the problems.

For kids, the challenge may be an increasing difficult school syllabus, a more dramatically competitive environment, or the learning curve of a new subject. In those moments we would like them to revert to effort, patience and adaptability instead of panic or a paralysing focus on why they are no longer “smart,” seeing themselves as a “failure.”

Dweck’s point was this: Don’t tell them they’re “smart” when they succeed! Say “Well done for your effort and ability to be flexible, especially dealing with setbacks.”

2. Ability to self-soothe

Set-backs are inevitable. Difficult emotions are real. The purpose is not to avoid them; those are opportunities to learn and grow. Especially in terms of learning to self-soothe and self-regulate. We often think of self-soothing is for baby and young children. However, in the event of dealing with set-backs, we all regress to our child-like state of mind. This is the time where parents may be needed to be supportive and present while letting the child learn to deal with the difficult emotions. How can a child learn to access their difficult emotions and not overwhelmed by it? This is where cultivating social and emotional intelligence is the key. Parents themselves would be the primary example how their children learn to deal with setbacks, challenges and frustration in life. Self-soothing is an important life skill.

PS: This article is meant to clarify some of the parenting myths that have created unnecessary suffering to families, in some cases of tragic consequences. It is not to put the blame on parents or children but to raise awareness in this journey of parenthood where parents need to discover for themselves, their values and the way they deal with setbacks and frustrations.

* Ko Teik Yen is the author of the book, “Parenting 2.0 – Empowering Moms and Dads in raising responsible, respectful, resilient and resourceful children in the digital age.” He is also the principal of Academy of Asian Parenting and practising clinical hypnotherapist and psychotherapist.

** This is the personal opinion of the writer or publication and does not necessarily represent the views of Malay Mail Online.