Trump for Malaysia

OCTOBER 22 — The days bore us.

Unending power talks, lockdown rules that change with every refresh and no water in the capital. The stink grows, you can’t leave the district and there’s nothing to wash it off with.

Let’s abandon these problems since they’ll still be here next week. So, to the absurd as a distraction.

How about getting Donald Trump to be in charge of Malaysia, as prime minister?

Not as absurd since he may lose the American presidency on November 3. He’d need a new gig if that happens. Putrajaya, the new Vegas.  

Could he? Could he really?

Let’s entertain the idea a paragraph at a time.

Set the citizenship question aside, let’s examine the substance. Trump and substance, this is a proper acid trip.

A polarised Malaysia probably accepts better a Muslim PM, nay, demands it, and Trump has no qualms with that. He’d get stuck in, immediately. This has nothing to do with Islam — as this column does not do religion — it’s all about Trump. He’d sign on just to win.

Presently, he’s got millions of puritanical Christians believing he shares their values, because he’d say whatever that needs to be said when it comes to values.

If he wanted the Indian gig, and replace Narendra Modi, he’d be doing his Shakthi dance all across sub-continent temples this Navaratri.  

To be frank, faith and value leads to power far quicker than anything else. They are also the easiest things to lie about.

OK, the wife thing. Let’s sort this one. He has had some and then others, and never feels guilty about how he uses them, wives and mistresses. Malaysian voters aren’t crazy about philanderers but it’s the homosexual “allegations” which haunt male politicians here. The emasculation has been in progress since 1998.

This won’t stain good old Donald.

Few men have put in more effort to underline they are really into women as much as Trump — he ran the Miss Universe beauty pageant for years when the swimsuit competition still decided the winner. So, on balance, Trump trumps this.

And we’ve barely scratched the surface. Millions of male voters from Kuala Kerian to Kota Kemuning have been raised on hours of WWE (wrestling) on mamak screens for decades. It’s our national past-time. Trump does not only like wrestling, he’s been on WWE. To be precise, he’s body-slammed Vince McMahon.

Step aside Tok This, Abah that, here comes Mr Bear Hug.

The violence does not end there. He loves right-wingers. He absolutely adores them, the viler the better. Now, which other country eagerly embraces its hate-filled people as much as Malaysia? We name schools and buildings after them.

Which is why, Ibrahim Ali’s Putra and Umno’s Pekida will immediately collapse into man-crushes when Trump arrives.

His man-love appeal does not end there.

PAS, the Islamists, would take to him, massively.

Trump does not do drugs, won’t smoke and yes, shout to the heavens, has never taken alcohol. And if you’ve seen him dance, it would not be a challenge to discourage him from dancing ever again.

So, what is there not to like about Trump?

Also, Malaysia’s experiencing a wave of anti-immigrant sentiments, with the economy and all, and our man Trump loves to hate non-citizens, or to put it in political terms, non-voters.

A sober white senior citizen who loathes people who don’t look like him, how can he not be a phenomenon here?

Trump, truly is the gift who keeps on giving. Fighting Covid-19 aside, but how has been his treatment of the Chinese during the whole pandemic? Besides trying to topple China from top spot in global trade and relevance in security, Trump has always blamed the Chinese.

Guess who else blames the Chinese to win votes? Privately, he’d have an army of Chinese business friends. He’d only tell their threats in public, for the masses. See the similarities?

I’m telling you, there’d be a frenzy to lure him to Umno, Pribumi Bersatu, Pejuang and PAS.

Trump might even fancy Malaysia better than the US. He’s had to do assets and power transfers to ensure he has no business interest while serving the office of the US president. Apparently, it can lead to conflicts of interest and other financial improprieties.

Worry not, Trump. No such trivialities over here. Here the government loves to be in business, and the PM leads them. Petronas, TM, TNB or PNB. Chairman here, and chairman there.

We’ve been schooled that government is so omniscient it’ll never betray the trust of the people. And if it did, it would be for the people’s benefit anyways. Just don’t ask me to explain.

Still, too small, Malaysia?

Head of a tropical country, one of the set of arms in the leadership human chain at the Asean Summit? Too minute? Don’t underestimate the man, he loves the limelight and he’d turn a down into an up. Malaysia would become a reality show, as America and the world would still like to keep track of Trump even if he is not leader of the free world.

He’ll reword everything. Take on the enemies by changing the rules as he’s apt to doing.

I can’t wait for him to expound how palm oil does not destroy virgin forests but only charts the future of property development. Giving Aisyah and Hussain and their young family a home to live in.

Back to reality

Yeah, he cannot become our PM. But it would be a riot. At least above and beyond, Trump is straight talking about his politics. That’s something even the liberals, the Bangsar elites or even the woke people can appreciate.

He’d be defined. It’s easy to know why to love or hate him, and he’d not pander to all sides. But that’s too real, man. And in the United States, institutions developed almost 250 years ago keep him in check.

At the end of this, aren’t we amazed by how well he’d suit Malaysia. Now we know, should we stay Trump-friendly or work even harder to evolve as a democracy?

* This is the personal opinion of the columnist.

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