AUG 16 — Mrs K, in her 80s, was in a coma.
One of her sons, BB, who had not seen her in about a decade, refused to return his siblings’ calls and messages regarding his mum.
Two weeks ago, I met up with BB (for some reason he agreed to see me but not his siblings). I told him about his mum.
As her house was barely a mile away, I said, “Let’s both go see her.”
He said no.
I said, “C’mon man, she doesn’t have much time. If it’s a matter of nerves, I’m happy to walk into the house with you and accompany you to see her, it won’t take more than a few minutes.”
He said no.
I asked if this was about guilt and shame? He said, “No, maybe it’s about pride.”
I said, “What’s there to be proud about? She isn’t even conscious and wouldn’t even know you’re in the house.
“Don’t you want to see the woman who gave birth to you, raised you, took care of you, etc?”
He said, “No. I don’t ever want to see her again.”
I asked about 10 times, again and again. BB kept saying no.
Mrs K died the very night after my chat with BB. A mutual friend speculated that perhaps she was “waiting” for her son to go and say goodbye to her and when he made it clear a final farewell wasn’t on his to-do list, she left.
‘Dead to me’
I only wish this was some isolated incident. However, my experience and conversations over the past two years or so suggests it isn’t.
When we start paying attention, we realise that perhaps 20-30 per cent of our circle of extended family, friends, colleagues, etc have estranged family members who don’t want to have anything to do with their folks.
There are so many grown-ups who want to have absolutely nothing to do with their parents that I told a few people like me with young kids that if our teenage children are still talking to us when they reach their 40s we probably deserve some badge of honour.
Some adult children don’t want to return messages or answer calls from their parents, let alone have a meal with their mums and/or dads.
Most of these individuals have even blocked their parents’ numbers and refuse to let their parents know where they live.
In some extreme cases, like the case of my friend BB, they won’t even visit their terminally ill mother or father and won’t be caught dead (pun intended) attending their parents’ funerals.
In the very worst cases, I know of one or two individuals who have outright “boasted” about how they ignore condolence messages and how “my attendance doesn’t make a damn difference to anyone, least of all me”.
How does it come to this point?
In my conversations with such folks, the #1 reason is a sense of extreme betrayal or hurt which they cannot forgive.
One person blocked his mum out of his life after a very heated argument where the mum said some crazy hurtful things to him.
Another even took her ageing mother to court after her father died because she was unhappy with the share of the inheritance and blamed her mum for “influencing” him to give her (the daughter) less than she felt she deserved.
My friend BB blames his mum for his marriage failures.
Another friend has been complaining about favouritism (by her dad towards her older sisters) practically since early childhood years so once she began work overseas, she decided that ghosting her dad was the natural thing to do.
In other cases the problem begins with one parent; but when the other parent doesn’t defend the child then both become private enemies #1.
Another very popular reason is the LGBQT factor and in such cases, sadly, the relationship-cutting began with the parents.
An acquaintance from Kajang told me his parents threw him out of the house when they found out he was gay.
Finally, there are terrible cases of physical (and surely criminal) child abuse by parents. I have no words.
Keeping the door open
I hope nobody reads this article as a judgmental one. Like some people have reminded me, I often don’t know what the family background is, what was actually said or done, what incidents have occurred and so on.
Far be it for me to add more layers of condemnation upon situations already mired in resentment and hatred.
If nothing else, I hope this can spark a deeper conversation, both among those who are still on good terms and talking with their parents and those who (literally) couldn’t care less if their mum or dad has died.
Ultimately, let’s all agree when a child refuses to connect anymore with her parents that’s not exactly something to “celebrate” and some critical conversations are necessary for healing, for hope, for openness, for a less hurtful future.
There are many occasions to extend olive branches, to reach out. Reconciliation is always possible if the heart is willing to try.
Keep the door open because hope may yet walk through?
* This is the personal opinion of the columnist.
