JANUARY 1 — If you treat Malaysian years as movies, then 2015 is going to be a thriller with some state sponsored sex; the critics will be merciless, the director cum prime minister an evasive prima donna, the producers unsure whether the film is writing itself and the cast of millions largely unaware of the camera or irony. Not on 3D, but it will be pricier, thank you GST (Goods and Services Tax).
How will it compare with its predecessors? Not bad, actually.
Pretty much like the prequel, 2014, but grittier with the same amount of pornography. Buy popcorn.
He has a perception issue, you see
The plot is already in motion with grenades already being lobbed in the direction of the director. While he was worried in Hawaii — yes, they worry in paradise too — about getting enough bogeys to beat a basketball-loving US president, the political noose for him was being readied back home.
The floods have only added flavour. I can’t see him having the nous to escape the proverbial tiger with him in a cage. The humanitarian in me is tempted to chuck him a chair, but I’m conflicted about giving him a whip.
In the weeks to come, there will be no slowing down in the “Why 1MDB?” posturing and admonishing. This is not the work of just a random Umno division chief, and in Umno, division chiefs are sacrosanct.
They are not one, they are legion. And they are waiting for the tipping point where the court of public opinion casts the prime minister in a light he would rather turn off using his connections to Independent Power Producers (IPPs).
The TV ads about 1MDB leading the way with boat clinics traversing the interiors and changing lives is fast becoming a distant memory.
The next three months will be telling. Expect loud action scenes involving middle-aged men with flatulence.
More hate, but in hate there’s opportunity
The year will see more mud-slinging from Perkasa, Isma and every other ultra-right wing group that manages to evolve enough to form acronyms.
There will be bile and then more bile, and this obviously takes them away from their families. So there is an upside, their families don’t have to put with them, just the general public.
I offer them a solution — if only to shut them up.
They can use riddles to trick young Malays to show their true liberal inclinations. Malaysians love riddles.
Like this: You are driving in a dangerous road where vultures and zombies roam with impunity, even Jins fear these parts. Your mum, dad, pregnant wife and hallucinating three-year-old daughter are with you, and then your car breaks down. The only building in sight is a large church — of course it is large, the war chests of those conspiring with Jews are unending — and clairvoyant Farah (your daughter, you idiot) starts to scream.
A) Do you walk to the church and ask for help,
B) stay in the car and pray for guidance,
C) Stay in the car, but muzzle your daughter,
D)Sing Kumbaya?
A is a trick answer. Even Isma know the wicked are clever. They are looking out for those who pick D. Why would any good Muslim family know a campfire song made popular by scouts and has spiritual roots? Right? See, exactly.
Anyway, the point is don’t get distracted by the white noise from the nutcases. The real cracker in the pack is how Umno leaders are placing themselves on the moderate shelf.
Youth chief Khairy Jamaluddin will be waiting eagerly for Isma or Perkasa to go loony 3.0, like asking for separate buses or tolerance tests for graduating non-Muslims.
This is when Khairy goes on a rant about how Isma or Perkasa or both are destroying the idea of moderation in multiracial Malaysia, which has been the model of wonderful tolerance thanks to the amazing leadership of Umno which protects everyone, he means everyone, without ever-ever reducing the idea that Malays are a people who need every chance possible to excel in a world where non-Malays are dominating all space.
That when Malays are left behind, and they will be under the leadership of all these opposition multiculturalists bent on forcing parities.
Double speak to outflank the ultra-right wing while retaining your own brand of right-wing is bread and butter strategy for Umno, and Khairy will employ it in 2015 as he has of late.
But don’t get him wrong, he is worldly. He had Catholic priests as teachers when he was in school, he’d tell you.
It takes a scandal to matter
The Malaysian Indian Congress (MIC) is in a right real mess, and it’s thankful in a way for it.
If the Registrar of Societies did not remember MIC was still a party and had some dodgy counting processes during its last party election, then it would not have asked them to reconvene to resolve it. And by doing so, got some cameras in the direction of MIC, at long last.
Expect more fight scenes without the help of good choreographers as MIC goes eight rounds before doing away with their president G Palanivel.
There is a feeling inside the party that the party will sink, even quicker than what pundits are saying, if Palanivel stays in power.
This looks like a TKO.
The energy question
The year starts with lower fuel prices but the sluggish commodity market after all previous price hedging plays out means less money for Petronas. Cheaper oil means less money for our nation’s cash cow.
If less money, are we likely to see a record deficit irrespective of Najib presenting a new budget? Something is going to give, and it won’t be the big projects, I can assure the Malaysian people that.
There is an Umno expectation of every Budget and no oil price drop is going to make them reconsider what they expect.
There is an Umno lifestyle to consider.
There’s a new tax in town
Not everyone in government is 100 per cent sure of what will happen when April comes and GST is a way of life.
It would mean for now that the next three months will feel like listening to a looping record — one leader after another informing a commonly uniformed and quick to panic public that nothing changes with the GST.
If anything the public should be leaping up in the air to rejoice.
Because GST is the good kind of tax, which is not like bad tax that obviously this government would never consider. If only every government can learn from Malaysia.
By the way, I bought slippers two days ago, and the salesgirl told me with a wink that at least the price has no GST yet.
I wish I took her name, at least then our enlightened leaders can tell her and the rest of her commonly uninformed and quick to panic people to take a chill pill
Pakatan’s big decision
There probably won’t be an election in Sarawak this year. But Pakatan Rakyat has to decide how to define PAS in the coalition. I guess they’d end up as friends with benefits but not cohabiting in a coalition.
But don’t count on a quick decision. This is going to be a long dance, and the longer it goes on — with hudud, electoral delineation, Muslim leadership and bibles — the damage to all parties will grow.
Can’t see a real decision maker in the situation, just invested parties keep conversations going. Looks like less strategy and more “I hope they don’t notice it’s gone to the dogs, literally.”
Sidenote
I promised sex, but you’ve read none yet.
Don’t fret, in this political terrain, sex will somehow sleaze to the top. Whether a video of an opposition politician or a second marriage across the border or religious officers keeping us all safe by banging on hotel rooms or sex-trade, the sex always shows up.
It is about the only certainty in Malaysia, even contesting with death and taxes.
I’m just hoping it comes with better video quality.
Finally, as of print time, water games are being seen as major tourist attractions for Malaysia Fest 2015 (#MyFest2015)
(My heart goes out to the quarter of a million evacuees in six states, but maybe they know better than most Malaysians right now how to find the comedy in the tragedy, laugh it away. Otherwise the depression will kill you. Let’s get them back on their feet first, and then piss down on the policy makers — one of them is a long-term Pakatan state)
We won’t remember details in April but still. The sturdiness of the Malaysian is something to believe in.
Happy New Year, guys!
* This is the personal opinion of the columnist.
