MAY 14 ― I have a confession ― I am one of the silent majority. At the age of 51 years old, I am beginning to fear for my Malaysia.

I was born in a Chinese family in a Malay kampong. My best friends were Malays. I spoke Malay then, more than English and any other Chinese dialect. I had an adopted Malay mother. I did not know then, that I am a Chinese. She never mentioned that.

I have a confession – I am one of the yellow banana skin Chinese.

I was lucky to be born in Johor Bahru. When the May 13^th tragedy happened, JB was peaceful. We, whether Chinese, Malay or Indians, were watching in horror at our black and white TVs. We in JB, lived in peace. I did not know what being a racist was.

I have a confession ― I am an idealistic Malaysian.

I went to UM at a time when it was prestigious to be a local UM graduate. There were no private Universities.

I became active as a JKO, playing in sports, became a ROTU member and as a college student leader. I was even instrumental in organising one of its graduations, “Pesta Ria.” I fought (not with guns), to be given the student’s loan, as my family was very poor. We were the poor Chinese. I earned my degree via my student loan.

I have a confession ― In UM, I began to see racism, student politics and voting by race and skin colours. I did comment to a friend (then), that this is how Malaysia will be in 20 years.  That was in 1985 and I feared for my Malaysia then.

I have a confession ― I fear for my Malaysia, now.

I now live in a Malaysian world, where everyone is wired, thus, every comment is heard and said without much thought. Everybody is so opinionated. Everyone wants a say. Everyone is an expert.

Everybody seemed to be having a PHD in history of Malaya, with a practicing legal mind, a heart of a religious scholar, a mission of a people’s crusader and a politician all roll into one. This was irrespective of whether you are a hawker, taxi driver, teacher, manager, GM or politician. We are all so educated.

We are also now champions of justice. We are also now the Freedom fighters of the marginalised, the poor and the suffering. We are the ideal global citizen. With that, in the world to come, it will be a peaceful and harmonious world. Right?

I want to be honest. I’m not that smart, not that educated and not worldly enough. All I know is that……

The Malays – religion is so important in the Malay culture that all Malays are educated,  trained and taught religious education from young, be it from their parents, from the religious schools, whether in the cities or in the kampungs. Whether, the ladies wear a tudung or colour her hair for everyone to see, I cannot judge them, as I am not Malay, a Muslim, etc.

Who are we, non-Malays to discuss about hudud, about Malay culture, about Malay rights? We are just not competent, experience enough, cultured enough, because we are not Malays. My apologies to all non-Malays who have a degree in Malay Studies.

The Chinese – Many yes, thousands, came during the British occupation of Malaya. Ohhhh… those British, and their hidden agendas!

But how about those that came much earlier – the Nonyas and the Babas, the mixed marriages in Penang and Kelantan during those yesteryears?

The Chinese too had contributed to the growth of this country; many came very poor, work their hands off and were prosecuted during the WW2. Many fought for Malaya independence too.

Our citizenship was given upon Malaya’s independence. Will Malaya be given that status in 1957, if the Chinese were told to go back? Why call us immigrants?  Why put me in the same category as the other immigrants (here) now – the Indonesian, Bangladeshi, Myanmarese, etc. They still can go back to the country, as they are, citizens of that country. I can’t go back to China.

I am a Malaysian. I was born here, educated here, and had lived all my life here as a citizen. Or am I not?

My children were born here. They are Malaysian too. Don’t they deserve to be in this country too? Why hurt our feelings? Why hurt your non-Malay brothers and sisters? The Indians, Eurasians, Sabahans, Sarawakians, etc. I believe these Malaysians too have their own stories to tell.

I have a confession ― I am not an expert their history, except I know them as Malaysian.

I have a confession ― I fear for the future, my future and my children’s future, my Malaysia future.

Unfortunately, I am not an expert, not a politician, not a religious guru, not a well-read lawyer, not a man in power in the highest governmental or the opposition team in Malaysia.

All I know is what I have observed. I see lots of bigotry, I see lots of condemnation, I see lots of extremism, I see lots of racism, lots of discrimination, I see lots of hatred.

I see and hear them, in family gathering (I am sure in all families), in the offices, at the Mamak restaurants and everywhere… in Malaysia and out of Malaysia! Discussed by Malaysians and non-Malaysians.

Everything is so negative. Not an iota of positivity.

But, that is the world we are living in today. All these negativism is so common, anywhere in the world. I am not so idealistic. That is today’s life.

However, we all have our choices. My final confession is that, I will as a proud Malaysian, continue to observe, listen and evaluate as I did in 1985. I will make my decision on how to be a Malaysian, with my family.

All I hope for, if I have another 20 years of life (God’s grace), not to reflect back, just like I did in 1985.

I have made my confession…. as a Malaysian.

* This is the personal opinion of the writer or publication and does not necessarily represent the views of The Malay Mail Online.