JULY 12 — I stared at the list on the wall. My name was not on it, again. I felt weak and defeated.

My brother Keevan nudged me and asked if I was okay.

“I am okay lah. Never thought I’d make the list anyway,” I replied.

He gave me a weak smile and nodded. He reminded me this was just a list and that the tournament was still nine weeks away. I would have more opportunities to prove my worth. I nodded, grabbed my gear and headed to the changing room.

We were preparing for the 1998 KL Commonwealth Games.

Paul Lissek, one of the best in the world, was our coach. I was a 17-year-old newbie gunning to make the team led by an internationally renowned master tactician.

Every Friday, right after our last training session of the week, Paul would list down his top 16 players on paper and paste it on the wall for us to see. He called this his “Games Team List”. It varied every week but the core few were always there.

We were six Fridays into his tenure as coach and I never once made that list. I was heartbroken. I rushed to the dormitory that evening and called up my dad. I told him of my disappointment.

“Pa, I want to come home. I give up!” I bawled over the phone.

My dad was silent for a while, and then replied: “Son, quitting is something we don’t do. We fight to achieve our dreams and, at the end of it all, if we fail, we can still walk tall because we fought throughout. Quitting is what weak people do, and my sons are strong as hell!”

We spoke a bit more before I hung up. I decided for the next six weeks, I will stop at nothing to achieve my dreams.

I trained like a mad man. I made sure I was first in all fitness runs. I challenged myself to take on the best players. I learned new skills and honed old ones. Over time, my game improved and I began to feel that I could actually make the team. All I needed was a chance and I knew in my gut, it was coming.

Three weeks before the Commonwealth Games, we played three test matches against the Australian team. I played three of my best games ever.

After the game, I overheard one of the coaches say that I was clearly one of the best players for Malaysia in the series. I was overjoyed, but felt that the chance probably came a little too late.

I remember staring at the list on the wall. It was the Friday of our final training week.

This was THE list. Paul Lissek’s actual Games Team list. I looked at the list over and over again, in complete disbelief. Tears welled up in my eyes as I read it one last time …

“No. 16: Logan Raj”.

* This is the personal opinion of the writer or publication and does not necessarily represent the views of The Malay Mail Online.