JANUARY 2 — Every Malaysian cinema-goer is familiar with what I am about to complain about: exits out of the individual halls.

You’ve just spent two or more hours enjoying Vin Diesel blazing down the highway or Tom Cruise doing parkour in mid-flight. 

The credits roll, the hall lights come on and everyone gets up to leave the hall.

But what does “leaving the hall” entail? What sort of post-movie exits do  nine out of 10 Malaysian cinemas treat their guests to at the end of each screening?

No, you’re not going back the way you came. There are guys blocking the front exit, saying you can’t go out that way. 

You have to head towards the Exit doors on the left or right which are at the bottom of the theatrette-style hall.

And here’s where the “fun” begins, the kind you wish you didn’t have to experience after a wonderful night of drama and excitement.

I’m referring to those crowded walks through (usually) poorly-ventilated “tunnels”, with everybody half-praying that a stampede won’t happen. 

I’m talking about walking down numerous flights of (very) narrow and poorly-lit stairs, wondering after each flight, “Where’s the exit to the mall?”

Is there some reason why so many of these exit corridors resemble the Cu Chi Tunnels which the Vietcongs used to hide in? Must these exits always look like secret escape corridors diamond thieves use after a major heist?

It’s such a contrast to the lounges and carpets and lights and Ooh La La vibes you get at the entrance. 

The dazzle, the ambience, the service and smiles, the popcorn, the attractive posters, the screens, the fancy doors, etc.

But when you exit it’s practically the opposite.

No fancy lights (and sometimes barely any lighting at all), no carpeting (plain cement most of the time), often no air-con, only old movie posters (if at all), no smiles (in fact, zero “personal touch”), heavy-set doors (which you’re concerned may fly back and smash the dude behind you), only trash cans, etc.

When we exit those “tunnels”, everyone is 200 per cnet relieved when they reach the mall outside because, uh, it feels like you’ve just escaped Alcatraz.

Yes, yes we know these exit areas are the back side of the mall; it’s simply part of the building’s interior and technically it’s no longer part of the cinema. 

But still, c’mon.

Would it kill the cinema to just allow folks to leave via the front door? Or to put a bit of deco along the exit corridors? Or to not subject their RM25-per-ticket patrons (especially some warga emas) to a gruelling four flights of narrow stairs which bring a 20 per cent chance of falling?

Now wouldn’t that be a dramatic end to a blockbuster.

* This is the personal opinion of the columnist.