MAY 29 — You know what’s amazing about Malaysia? It’s that every car-driving parent has the same grandfather and this grandfather owns all the roads around every school. 

This is why, on any given morning, you can see Beemers, Protons and Neurons stop smack in the middle of the road, as if the passenger was the Son of Zeus who had to get to that exact spot to grab his lightning-laksa rod in order to save Mount Olympus from the Ice Kacang Titan.

Needless to say, the child celebrities who exit the (obscenely parked) vehicles will require, of course, between three to five hours to fully disembark, close the door and begin walking towards the school. The parents will then need another five hours before finally driving away and unclogging the road artery they have so unceremoniously blocked.

Therein lies the biggest problem about Malaysian schools. It’s not the curriculum, not the rote-learning, not the dirty-ass toilets, not the poorly-trained and (even more poorly) motivated teachers — it’s the parents who can’t differentiate between DROP-OFF and SEND-OFF. Here’s a quick tutorial:

Drop-off: Fast, fuss-free, no tears, no lectures, two-second hug maximum, see you again in a few hours.

Send-off: Prolonged (sometimes forever), soap opera-ish with maximum drama, hugs, kisses and as many promises as the departure time will allow, see you again in a few years (if at all).

If the situation is bad in public schools, it’s worse in private schools. Go and check out the morning school queues outside any institution with either the word "Sri” or "School” in their names. It’s like every third kid has his own motorcade replete with flags, police escort and personal bodyguards. 

And if you’re driving near such schools on a Friday afternoon, please, for the love of all things not yet hopelessly insane, do NOT make that fateful turn into the school compound area. 

Doing so will leave you caught (or caged) in a jam so bad you’d start praying for death or, more likely, a pot to piss in.

This is tragically so because parents and drivers nowadays show up a full half-day before school ends to wait for their VIPs to come out — why? "To get a good parking space.” 

This isn’t just mega-kiasu, it’s also ironic because a) The parking space is actually the bleedin’ road, b) when everybody thinks that way the whole road is clogged up which means that c) a "good parking space” ends up being a "good lockdown spot” for the next six hours. 

This is probably why more and more parents are letting (or making) their kids wait in school a while. Let the battle zone die down first. Let the kid do what kids do best — go crazy playing. Then, fast-in fast-out, balik rumah.

However, if you still really want to "get a good parking” space, don’t forget the piss pot.

Solutions

Thankfully, this is Malaysia, a country where problems can be resolved and, if not, at least there’s stuff to eat while talking. Anyway, here are five creative recommendations to ensure smooth traffic during school opening and closing hours:

1. Valet parking (opening hours only): All schools should hire a few dozen valet dudes to speed up traffic at the school gates. "Let our courteous and efficient attendants drive away your Volvo, giving you plenty of time to kiss your child and maybe even give her another bath before letting her go for class.”

2. In-vehicle lessons: Teachers record lessons which can be streamed "live” through students’ phones in case they’re late for class; this solution is also cool because the recordings can also have "live-action” smacking and caning. 

This would reduce all that unnecessary rushing to wake up early and reaching school in time i.e. fewer cars per minute and less jam. Closing time? Fantastic. You got post-classrooom learning.

3. Inverse bouncers: You know how clubs and discos use bouncers to throw people out of the place? Schools can do the opposite. Get a bunch of guys to walk on to the roads to take the children in to the school, so Daddy or Mummy can drive the heck off. The opposite procedure applies during school closing time. Kids are brought or carried out to the cars in the middle of the road holding, who knows, an ice cream?

4. Deducted marks: Kids whose parents or drivers park inappropriately or wait too long could be penalised; oh your Dad took a full hour to close the boot? Sorry, you failed Maths.

5. Everybody be more considerate: Boring.

* This is the personal opinion of the columnist.