AUGUST 4 — Donald Trump has nothing on Malaysia. He’d be toast by 9am in our political climate, as our only constant is no one is quite clear what will be the next headline.

No one knows, how about them apples?

We’ve taken "may you live in interesting times” to the next level, mirroring the XXX movie sequel — incidentally rebooting in January 2017, unfortunately quarrelsome 2016 does not want to end for Malaysia.

As a public service, the column rather than add to the confusion is offering a short take of key events, so you realise that being stuck dumb is the only sensible thing to do, under these circumstances.

There is an angry woman in America

Yes, there are many angry people in "Murica,” from presidential candidates to grocery store clerks, but this is about the Attorney-General Loretta Lynch.

Her department launches a civil suit involving several Malaysians and entities, named or just tagged with cute designations, and madness ensues across the Pacific in our peaceful nation.

There are the obvious questions, but this column won’t ask them, too many are crowding them already.

It prefer asking about the flip side.

I rather ask Miss Lynch if she would have had the temerity to file a case against her own president, Barack Obama, calling him American Official 1? I bet the president would sack her even before she reaches her office to file her papers with the excuse she has a medical emergency.

This is the one time, the outrage of DAP’s Petaling Jaya Utara MP Tony Pua pales in comparison to that of the lady from North Carolina, who I guess has never been to Malaysia.

Father, son and the unholy alliance in progress

It took a sacking to get us here. Sacked as deputy prime minister almost a year ago, Muhyiddin Yassin took his time to find his political spine.

Only after being expelled as Umno member that the Pagoh MP decided that perhaps the time has arrived for a reaction, less he be seen completely ineffectual.

Thankfully, ex-prime minister Mahathir Mohamad lost none of his skills as a man bent on outcomes and not principles, and raised the temperature to the point in which expulsion for the rebels was unavoidable.

The new party has a place-holder president, headline grabbing advisor, leader in waiting by dint of birth, Mukhriz Mahathir, and no opposition party rejecting them outright as key partners. With unrelenting support from Selangor Mentri Besar Azmin Ali, the motley crew only have to print name cards and book the domain name to become legit.

Mystery Sabah

Like Rambo he turned down options and said he had to go home. And home he is, former Umno vice-president and still Sabah heavyweight, Shafie Apdal.

He is forming a party.

It was the entry of Umno into Sabah which locked the state as a Barisan Nasional bastion, so would the impending state level implosion of Umno end the monopoly and return Sabah to local-based parties only?

All will depend on Shafie drawing broad support from the various parties and his former colleagues in Umno. Will he?

Bersih 5: Getting official

It’s that time again. When it is opportune to use the word mammoth. Bersih time.

 "A mammoth rally of 100,000 laid siege to the capital with a series of demands so long, police officers tend to collapse in a mammoth heap out of an equal measure of exasperation and exhaustion. Nothing but mammoth everywhere to be seen.”

For those wanting to pencil the dates, don’t worry, while the main gathering day in October is still unannounced, there will be a series of smaller protests bi-weekly, so that protesters can have a practice run.

I’ve outlined last week the dangers of treating rakyat support as a blank cheque book.

On cue, Red Shirts leader, Jamal Yunos, has forwarded his clichéd threats, and probably go invisible on Bersih 5’s big day.

Terengganu goes, 'Look at me, look at me'

There was this mentri besar, Idris Jusoh. Unacceptable to key actors, he was instead made a federal minister in 2008. His replacement Ahmad Said was in time replaced by Ahmad Razif Abdul Rahman in 2013.

No one wanted to stop running the state but they have been usurped and in that fashion the present guy is being pushed to the door, and he is accusing his predecessor of pulling the strings.

In time, every Umno assemblyman may become mentri besar at one time or another.

Perhaps the unending attention on Penang albeit one built on the legal possibility of its chief minister going to jail, has put the east coast state on the defence.

IS is present and use spellcheck

With the Puchong bombing culprits apprehended, security agencies have raised threat levels and increased engagement with communities.

Hoorah!

The Islamic State is a clear and present danger, but when they wrote-in their threat to the Inspector General of Police, I had to pause. I then face-palmed.

They could not operate a camera like other self-immolating terrorists, or were they camera-shy?

Nine Malaysians, right, violent, utterly reprehensible violence advocated, but what's with adding Myanmar’s real boss Aung San Suu Kyi in the list?

Malaysians are likely to never know. Which is fine, quite consistent with the theme.

But that’s not the most baffling. These tormentors-at-large mentioned a follow-up official letter. Malaysians are protocol-mad, but mad does not quite cover this gaffe.

Security Councils, near and far

As far as synchronising goes, this is Olympic gold. The National Security Council Act came into effect August 1, and on the same day Malaysia assumed the presidency of the United Nations (UN) Security Council.

One council retroactive acts with alarming delay, and the other can just grab any Malaysian for incarceration on the grounds of threatening the present regime.

The former is benign and the latter is, well, scary.

Gun-violence triggers panic

The rate of executions have exploded the contention that gun-violence is rare here.

The disclosure that weapons are literally thrown over from the Thai side of the border should worry all of us.

The next fear is that once gun-deaths hit a certain rate, it might become normalised, which is the real fear.

This fear extends even to story-telling about gangs and criminality.

The latest Rajnikanth film Kabali had its ending altered to fit the Malaysian narrative that crime never pays.

Escape from Kuala Lumpur

It is 1994 again, officially.

According to what Immigration Malaysia is saying, they had a system that worked which upset them considerably so they went out of their way to pay for one that does not work which brings us back 20 years.

Passport waits are lengthy and tourist-exits are cumbersome.

A new director-general for immigration, Mustafar Ali, has been appointed this week, and he duly proceeded to raid three Puchong bars.

He has his priorities right.

Meanwhile, Malaysian Anti-Corruption Commission’s Abu Kassim Mohamed resigns two years before his term expires.

It is indeed a revolving door.

The rest in brief

Many Muslim parents have issues with non-halal vaccines and they’ll take the belief to their children’s graves.

Malaysian Olympians head to Rio. This promises to be a Summer Olympic to match all the cheatings from the previous editions.

Penang, after one consensus meeting to another, realised pride points won’t materialise and they had to give up the symbolic win in order to remain relevant.

Our Prime Minister Najib Razak visits Indonesia. That’s safe to say about the prime minister without worrying about the NSC coming to bite me. It’s official, and he is Malaysian. Enough said.

* This is the personal opinion of the columnist.