MARCH 21 — Behold! I list down a selected number of generally unquestioned (but problematic) assumptions held by Malaysian Christians.

If you’re a Christian, don’t be pissed; in fact, feel free to chuckle (and add a few more in the comments). You can also send death threats directly to my email.

At the end of the night, I’m one family member thinking out loud at the dinner table, poking fun at his siblings in the hope that everybody grows (or gets sufficiently uncomfortable). If you’re from another religious community, welcome to the party. If you’re an atheist, well, have fun believing in Stephen Hawking.

The following is based on personal experience (sigh) and conversations with others. In no particular order of importance (and without suggesting that any of the below are categorically false), here we go:

1. True or "good" Christians should be involved in as many "Christian" activities as possible (at the office, in college, etc. and certainly in church)

Sounds like a company club. Hey, you’re an “employee” — get busy and start working on those spiritual KPIs. Or else what’s the point, right? You almost feel there could be some end-of-Church-calendar appraisal coming up.

Attend too many you’re exhausted. Involve in less, you’re taken on a (silent) guilt-trip. Which is why sometimes people grab the bull by its balls and either a) drop out entirely or b) be the head honcho.

To be a good Christian, folks must accept the pressure of being a good Christian. Why? Because can’t you see that it’s only appropriate? God has saved you from your sins, can’t you be more grateful and just show up eight times a week?

2. God has a pre-planned specific will for everything

This is a theological thing which, I suspect, is what most Muslims believe in, too.

Generally known as Calvinism or Reformed theology, everything from why my car hit a van the other day to how many fish balls the uncle put into my noodles to the precise firing to the exact number of mosquito larvae now breeding in our toilet bowls have been ordained or decided on from, uh, "before" the beginning of time.

Everything that is happening, ever happened and will happen is part of God’s inscrutable and perfect divine plan. Hence the habit of asking God why He would let something like MH370 happen, why Manchester United and Arsenal are in such shitty form, and so on.

But wouldn’t this mean people have been pre-programmed to sin from all time? Don’t ask. Only heretics worry about these kind of questions.

3. Smoking is a sin

Because it’s especially unhealthy, you see. Plus having that white (or sometimes brown) thing sticking outta your mouth? Really unspiritual.

Nicotine, carbon monoxide and tar — unlike eating satay celup, char kuey teow, Coke and potato chips – have been especially frowned on by Jesus and Archangel Michael.

This is also why "Protestant" Christians tend to whisper more furiously about Roman Catholics than other Protesting Christians. Especially those priests who light up so many Dunhills they look like steam locomotives.

Vaping? Now that’s impressionably better. But still a sin. So quit it before God throws a lightning bolt at you or, even worse, screws up your WiFi.

4. After a "great" sin, performing pious acts of service appeases God and stays His wrath

If a serious calamity occurs — especially after a sin I committed (or a good deed I omitted) — this is God punishing me. Or even if it’s not God doing a Performance Improvement Plan on me, it definitely proves He ain’t pleased.

Now, what is the definition of a "great" sin? Welllllll…. it can be anything from stealing two pencils from the office, to spending too many hours on PornHub, to screaming at your husband.

But, ultimately, the best solution is to take comfort in the fact that my sin will never be as terrible as that S.O.B.'s.

Which brings us to the topic of the greatest sin in Christendom…

5. Being gay is the greatest and most terrible sin

Even worse than siphoning RM2.6 billion from the country. Even worse than committing genocide. Even worse than refusing to give to the church-building fund. Homosexuality is a crime so bad and it’s so ewwwwwwe that if you’re a dude and you get even mildly aroused by Brad Pitt’s hot ass you better uh, swallow that thought lest other Christians treat you like a sub-human.

Did you know it’s also practically unforgivable?

Because Jesus said so very clearly and many times that being gay means you’re going to hell because a guy who "truly" believed in Jesus would NEVER think about having sex with DeadPool.

5a. Gluttony is not a sin

No matter how many times it’s mentioned in the Bible, it’s absolutely 200 per cent never nada ever a spiritual transgression against the will of God.

Seriously, how could a national past-time be a spiritual violation? So, ergo: It’s just not wrong.

6. Everyone who has stopped going to church has "back-slid"

Yes, there’s a term that Christians toss out almost as often as the word makan. It’s called "back-sliding" i.e. falling away, being less holy and more sinful than "normally accepted."

What is the "acceptable" level of sinning? Hmm. That’s a tough one. I’m guessing as long as there are no seeee-rious public effects of one’s sub-perfect piety, it’s fine. Private sins which “don’t hurt anyone” are usually acceptable, plus any transgression which sounds adequately sincere and spiritual when confessed are also okay.

7. “I've tried so hard to stop this particular sin; surely God will understand if I commit it just this last time”

Fantastic. Let’s try that with the police, shall we?

8. Unless you close your eyes, you haven't really prayed.

And those 2-second prayers don’t count either. So close your eyes, dammit, because God’s ethernet connectors don’t work if you can see stuff.

9. The job of the pastor is to give theological answers cum definitive statements.

Ambiguity in religion is a bad thing. Heck, it’s almost a sin.

If there’s a theological question that cannot be addressed with 140 per cent certainty, it’s either a) a question crafted by Lucifer himself or b) a sign of trouble-making by the questioner or c) a bad question.

10. Real Christians must never make fun of the faith

Damn straight. Let’s castrate these mockers asap.

 * This is the personal opinion of the columnist.