FEB 28 — How was your Chinese New Year? If it wasn't Chinese or New enough, here is our top analyst to tell you why. It was because everyone can now be an election candidate, and that you feel like tourist in your own land, as well as the fact that you can never find a copper when you need one.

Coffeeshop candidate

That skinny Ah Pek in the corner of your neighbourhood Hainanese coffeeshop has decided to contest in the upcoming Kajang by-election, saying he is sick and tired of waiting for MCA to figure itself out.

"First, we waited for them to come up with a candidate, and they could only tell us they shortlisted three. Then they couldn't even tell us what their campaign was about, only that they were back in the reckoning for Cabinet positions and they wanted to know if MCA is still relevant.

"Meanwhile, even some singer who hasn't had a haircut for a decade is declaring his candidacy. So why shouldn't I, who has not bought a new Pagoda T-shirt since 2001, also contest?" he said, after gingerly lifting his foot to the seat off his stool.

Between sips of the spillover from his kopi-si-kau-kurang-manis — right out of the saucer, no less — Mr Pek said that he was unlikely to win, given his lack of machinery or track record in anything but being the first and last customer at the coffeeshop every day.

"But I can promise I won't be making any satay jokes."

Cuti-cuti Selangor

Here in the nation's economic engine, Selangor is gearing up to fully support Visit Malaysia Year 2014, in a rare show of bipartisan co-operation.

The already exciting, fun- and crime-filled state has ramped up the excitement factor for millions of locals and tourists this year, with unexpected happenings such as the unceremonious confiscation of your Bibles.

Next up on your exciting adventure through the state that once gave you uncontrollable flash floods, is the drying of your taps. Nothing gets your adrenaline pumping like waking up from a sweaty romp only to discover you will have to go to work still covered in bodily fluids that are not your own. Just look at the people of Balakong and how animated they are!

Selangor will even give you the creeping uncertainty of sudden by-elections for no better reason than that your mentri besar is confused and thinks he's trying to accrue as much dividends to his shareholders. Even better, you won't even know who your mentri besar will be in 30 days time.

It's crazy, it's bizarre, it's Selangor, a place like no other!

Police no longer interested in investigation

The Malaysian police force have come out to declare that the days of detective work and sleuthing by the men in blue are over. After the public outcry for an explanation to the cops' lack of action against an MIC leader over fraud claims, or ISMA for threatening physical harm nor needless cruelty to animals,  the Inspector-General of Police Tan Sri Mata Takguna said it was because the police were plain fed-up of investigating anything anymore.

"We simply don't have the funds and resources anymore. all people care about is sex scandals and naked photos. 

"Frankly, the police isn't supposed to investigate those and it's just depressing to know everyone else but us is having a good time," the police chief said.

Adding that his new job title was Introspector General of Police, Mata said that a lack of funding made investigative work difficult, and that policemen found greater job satisfaction in moaning about their difficult lives and setting up roadblocks around blind corners to catch unsuspecting motorists.

"At least then we catch some people!" he said.

When asked how he came to such a decision, Mata said that he studied other business models to see how best to ensure the survival of the police force, and came up with the answer of dropping investigative work totally.

"We just followed journalism."

* This is the personal opinion of the columnist.