NOV 10 — Each month, our intrepid roving analyst brings you the News Uncovered, discovering things about Malaysia you never knew before. This time around, we find that we’re still jaguh kampungs who can’t beat those damn asexual Japanese, that Pemandu is operating at a higher level of consciousness and someone was elected for something.
Sex still popular in Malaysia
A survey by Merdeka Center found that Malaysians surprisingly still like sex. Even though it’s so troublesome because parents frown on it and squad skodengs put you in jail for it, about 84 per cent of people are willing to rent motel rooms or get Pervy-in-Preves.
This is despite the alarming spate of articles concerning the sudden untrendiness of sex in Japan — one of the world’s top opinion-shaping countries. The sudden wave of coverage left Malaysians scrambling to find out if they too should stop having sex. Especially since not having sex gets you coverage in The Guardian, Bloomberg, TIME magazine, The BBC and VICE all in a couple of weeks!
And there’s nothing we like better than being in international news. Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak spends millions to achieve it, we outlaw words, we encourage Muslim women to have orgies and we try our best to oppress anyone in sight, just to get on the news.
“I dunno why the Japanese did it, but I think we better do it too. We’re already far behind in education, technology and sports. We’d better not get outdone in sex too, or where would our tourism dollars come from?” said the tourism minister.
And because Tun Mahathir famously told us to “Look East” instead, we cast our eyes on how Japan achieved such widespread fame, and tried to copy it. They build their own cars? No sweat, we made Proton. They make their own computers, so do we. Smartphones? Check.
Sex dolls? Umm, religious authorities might have something to say about that. Tentacle porn? Oh my, EVERYONE would have something to say about that. Or video games with a virtual girlfriend? MCMC jumps on an interview with Reza Aslan. What do you think?
A politician says something which makes sense
A first-term MP left the public in shock after he made a bold and outrageous statement that opponents condemned for “being so blinking logical.”
In a week where the Opposition leader said he would only implement GST — a move which would improve the government’s fiscal position — only once the government’s fiscal position was improved, and the prime minister said he had to “safeguard the majority” from... stuff, the new Serdang MP Ong Kian Ming was vilified for saying
that people who worked for the government should not earn more than the top-ranking civil servant.
“They should not earn more than the Chief Secretary? Bollocks. So instead we should make civil servants feel empowered and not sidelined by all these consultants and conmen we hire into contract positions? Pah, then what would the point of being in power be?” said an Umno warlord.
“Power is exactly so you can make decisions that others can’t make, like, asking people to have cake.”
Instead, a Pemandu exec started debunking Ong’s insistence that Pemandu top-brass were overpaid, by revealing that civil servants were also overpaid.
At this point, taxpayers gave up.
* This is the personal opinion of the columnist.
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