JULY 25 — Finding a new home for regular people is difficult enough, when it comes to sworn racists with a panache for controversy the search becomes near impossible. I will try nevertheless.

Before that, which bigots and why do they have to relocate?

Right-wingers all year round dare many Malaysians to leave the country if them bleeding heart liberals cannot stomach their brand of patriotism. They’d say things like “You balik China/India” (Go back to China/India) or “Kalau nak jadi orang putih, pergi ke negara orang putihlah” (If you want to be like the whites, migrate to their countries).

Often those attacked would retort with “You first” or “My country bro, you can migrate-lah.”

It’s a bit playground-ish, I apologise to all bigots operating currently directly in the country and partial apologies to those working out of other time zones. You deserve better.

To raise the debate, today I am going to speak up for people like Ibrahim Ali (the poster child of Malay rights groups) and Ridhuan Tee Abdullah (a man who positions himself as the special one, revealing allegedly unflattering truths about the Chinese and liberals in Malaysia).

Is it fair to ask the ignorant to leave the country, when they know so little of the world they live in? It is plain to all they know very little of their own neighbours in Malaysia, after living here all their lives, therefore what fighting chance do they have if they left for strange shores and are forced to deal with another lot of infidels?

For if they can’t decide if Bolivia and Belize are in the same continent, then perhaps we should give them a guide, something to go on with. They’ve been so busy hating many of us that most of the world has just simply gone past them.

Worry not Ibrahim of Pasir Mas, fret not Zulkifli Noordin, chins up senior editorial team of Utusan Malaysia, take away that frown Ridhuan Tee and roar on you brave fans of Perkasa and Jati, here you go, “10 places Ibrahim Ali and gang can consider emigrating to.”

This is not to advocate for the departure of any squabbling Malaysians. I want everyone to stay, even the distasteful ones but to be fair, and being fair is always nice, I’m presenting options available. These are just options, lads.

1. Pitcairn Islands

This is my personal favourite simply because it is almost 14,000 kilometres away and most of the distance water. With a population of 48, and not actually a country, Ibrahim Ali will not need to worry about local laws impinging him for his unending honesty of opinion.

The good thing about Malaysia being so far away is that the residents there probably have not heard about him. It might upset Ibrahim that there are far more nauseating right-wing nuts closer and more accessible to the Pitcairn Islanders, and therefore known better to the inhabitants.

It might endear to the potential arrivals that the community was founded by a group of mutineers, people who have the spirit of rebellion.

POSSIBLE CONCERNS: They might not want them. Sure, a few more in and the four islands making up the Pitcairn can have their own futsal league, but even in the remotest parts of the world annoying is still annoying.

UPSIDE: Them getting bored and trying to row a boat back to Port Klang.

2. North Korea

They do hate a lot of people and a lot of people tend to hate them, well the government of North Korea at least. With intoxicating hate lacing the air it must be like perfume-land for our hate squad.

POSSIBLE CONCERNS: Hunger. The North Koreans never forget they are Koreans and in the next wave of famine they might choose to starve the newcomers despite their persistent comedic value. Slight humanitarian fear, they might be used to test their nuclear arsenal.

UPSIDE: They won’t be shot.

3. Zimbabwe

This came down to purchasing power. Who knows what your typical ultra earns in ringgit these difficult days? Better to a nation with a penchant for hyper-inflation and random election laws, this would endear the Utusan Malaysia senior editors.

Plus President Robert Mugabe is a welcomed visitor to Malaysia and well-written about, with a great relationship with Perkasa patron Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad.

UPSIDE: Since stretching the truth comes naturally to them, becoming student recruitment agents for hundreds of fly-by-night colleges back home in Malaysia is a career option.

4. Xinjiang, China

Epicentre of Muslim China, Ridhuan Tee can spend days telling the locals they are Malays not Chinese, just like him after becoming a Muslim. He can also point out how the rest of the country is being run by the “kiasu Chinese”, the rest being 1.2 billion persons or so.

This obviously will draw the interest of Beijing and the People’s Army.

POSSIBLE CONCERNS: None.

UPSIDE: The Uighur people (local Muslims) have some respite as the heat is taken off them as the central government plans out the proper treatment for these new Malaysian visitors.

5. The Philippines

A surprise choice, sure, but consider these: tt rates high on the list of macho nations and its citizens look like many in Malaysia. Even Ridhuan Tee can pull off the local appearance in any Manila tavern.

It will be intriguing to see our bigots with their macho dares of physical action match up against my peeps in downtown Baclaran (a section in Parañaque City). It reminds of the time a bouncer was punched dead by a professional boxer outside a club in the 1990s for giving the pugilist a tough time. Things go down very quickly in Manila.

I might be proven wrong. Perhaps our nut-cases are not all talk, that they may be able to back their talk of violence with violence in a fair fight. Either way, it will be fun to watch.

DOWNSIDE: Might be too short a stay.

6. Canada, the Arctic side

There are two things going for our travelling schemers against the apparent liberal democracy Canada is; it has an active immigration policy and a lot of empty space. As evidenced by several fellow Malaysians with poor reputations at home but steady businesses and properties in the Maple Leaf nation, the country is almost like America but without abortion clinic shootings and this may just tantalise our lads,

We won’t tell them however where in Canada they’d be sent to. I’m thinking closer to the Arctic Circle. Less Toronto Raptors, more tundra.

DOWNSIDE: It’s still Canada.

7. Mars

OK it is otherworldly, but since they’ve often behaved like they are from another planet many times over, it might not be the worst option even if improbable.

Since most of humanity is enamoured by open borders and liberalism, lifting them off with the first exploratory group to populate the Red Planet may be a blessing in disguise.

UPSIDE: In spacesuits all the time, they can’t tell if there are minorities in the midst. Everyone looking the same, dream come through for them I bet.

8. A travelling circus

Well it’s a place, let’s not split hairs about it. Loud-mouths spouting weird ideas are always an attraction as long as the audience don’t have to endure them daily — in this universe Zulkifli Noordin would be a novelty.

Where else would people who belong in a different time with no more contemporaries go, why they’d join the circus. Being a freak is a not a problem, rather it is a point of attraction.

POSSIBLE CONCERNS: The caravan being burnt occasionally.

9. Graceland

If you take it literally then that will be Memphis, Tennessee in the US. But they will never ever get green cards or visas to the US, so we are going to go with the conceptual one as sung by Paul Simon in his 1987 album. (Graceland the track in the album Graceland)

Simon believes we all will be received in “Graceland” and I imagine that would include the haters too. Hate all you want Dr Mahathir, everyone has a place here.

POSSIBLE CONCERNS: They may have to be severely drugged to get into the state of being in “Graceland.”

10. Alangudi, Tamil Nadu, India

Fine, I’m out of choices.

But my grandma in this small hamlet in South India accepts all visitors and would be excited to host them.

There is no other reason other than my relatives are generally kind and don’t think just because you look different then you have to be treated differently.

POSSIBLE CONCERNS: None

UPSIDE: Can’t really see it

Again, please stay

As I pointed out at the start, no one needs to go.

This is just to provide options for our friends who rigorously oppose everything we stand for, things like a progressive government, full participation and transparency.

So then when we do counter their belligerence against us with asking them to leave Malaysia first at least the options are made available to them.

I admit that these are lean pickings, but right-wing dude I did not ask you to be a self-righteous, loud and threatening individual bent on causing mischief by repeatedly sowing seeds of mistrust in the country. That type of thing is not so popular outside, and which is why most countries would not bother to have you over.

Still, if you have to, Bon Voyage!

* This is the personal opinion of the columnist.