KUALA LUMPUR, March 7 — Jacquita Gonzales, 52, the wife of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370 steward Patrick Gomes, 55, tells Ida Nadirah how she has been coping in the absence of Gomes.

They have four children — daughters Nicolette, 29, Davina, 27, Michelle, 25, and  son, Enrique, 15, and a grandson, Rafael Ariano, four.

Exactly a year ago, we were leading a normal life.

Patrick liked being at home, be it after a long or short flight. He was not the type to hang out at malls and the sort. 

He would help with the cooking, go through cook books and try different dishes. He would catch up on sleep and even do gardening. 

Even when there were birthdays or other celebrations, he would try and celebrate it at home. 

After the MH370 incident, we only stayed in the hotel for a few days and were home by the fourth day. I was back at work the next week because sitting at home doing nothing felt a lot worse. 

Being at home now is better for me because I don’t feel his loss as much. This is Patrick’s home and everywhere I turn, it reminds me of him and this makes me feel closer to him.

After March 8 last year, we even lit a light at the altar, hoping he would see the light and know we are waiting for him. 

To move out of the home we built together because it brings back too many memories is not what I have in mind. What else do I have?

I only have memories and I do not want to lose that. I want to be where the memories are.

This home, we bought it together, we built the house together. The memories here are fresh and strong and I would like to keep it that way. 

What happens if there is no home when he returns?

Last year, Patrick and I planned to renovate our house porch as we had some money coming in from his EPF (Employees Provident Fund) as he turned 55 last July.

I went ahead with the renovations, so when Patrick comes home he does not have to worry about the mess. It would be much easier for him and he can just sit in the garden and relax.

That was one of our plans. We don’t usually make long-term plans.

Our 30^th wedding anniversary is on June 1 but we did not plan anything then because we thought he would be here to do so. 

Regardless, my husband knows that if he is not around, we will continue doing things and will tell him about it when he comes back.

He knows we are not the type to procrastinate and things have to move on.

The only difference is, we have a lot to tell and many pictures to show when he comes home.

It has been difficult for us this past year during Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, birthdays and anniversaries. There were tears, but we picked ourselves up because we know he wouldn’t want us to sit down and moan and groan.

He knows we are a lot tougher than that. There is that void, that one person missing, but things have to go on.

My daughters get emotional at times but when they see me tear up, they give me some space. 

I feel they are a lot stronger than me and I try not to break down in front of them.

As for my son, Enrique, being the only boy in the family, he was very close to Patrick. 

When he entered the science stream after his PMR examinations and when he was selected for the school’s Under-16 rugby team, he asked me this: ‘Would daddy be proud? Would he be happy?’ I told him of course he would. 

When Patrick was around, Enrique would be home early from school. But now he stays back and keeps himself occupied with games.

I know this is expected as the days add on.

There are times I don’t know what more to say but I keep repeating myself so the authorities don’t forget.

Sometimes I wish my face wasn’t that (publicised) ... sometimes it is very tiring because I am constantly recalling and there’s a lot of playback.

But I cannot remain silent. We want the people and the relevant authorities to notice we are here and we are holding on to their promises.

If nothing is found come May, they (the authorities) should get other countries involved, they should ask for help from others. 

Maybe other countries have other ways of searching. There’s no harm trying.

I have two hopes. 

I am hoping for the plane to be found so we can have some closure.

If the plane is not found, then we can hope the plane is somewhere else safe … and (everyone is) alive. 

Either way, we need them to come home so we can say our goodbyes.

When the souls are wandering, we need to send them off properly.”

• Gonzales plans to have a Celebration of Life service in church tomorrow afternoon in remembrance of the missing flight, her husband and the others on board.