Why Wonder Woman needs a man

JUNE 5 — Warning: Spoiler alert. Do not read further if you have not watched Wonder Woman and intend to.

As a Malaysian dude, I was offended by this movie. Like that affront to cultural and religious sensibility, Harry Potter, it should be obvious that only moral anarchy and humanistic faithlessness will result from a show about a dame who dresses like a suggestive cowgirl and uses a whip.

From the very beginning, one’s logical alarm bells will be firing. For example, how on Earth is a woman-only community even imaginable? 

For a second there I thought this was an adult female version of Smurfs, except these femme fatales make the Spartans look like pussies. Who’s Smurfette in this movie? Well, that would be Chris Pine, wouldn’t it?

Anyway, my (obvious) point is: What about the guys? As Earth needs her fiery star, how can women survive without the wisdom, guidance and protection of their masculine superiors? 

Of all the superhero movies with their irrational premises, this one ranks the lowest. Seriously, we’re hitting at the heart of humanity which is the absolute dependence of the softer sex on the more macho one. 

Anthropologically and sociologically it’s a slur to our entire species. I’m relieved that at least Zeus was still recognised as the meta-Creator and I’m pretty sure that dude has a rod of power between his legs. 

You see, that’s the key to human leadership and flourishing: To possess that “something” which, of course, guys clearly do. Women? They’ll always be inferior because of their lack.

Sorry, but it’s the truth. All you decadent liberals can go and kiss it.

Theologically, too, the movie is offensive. The Amazon women — c’mon, did the writers even look up the meaning of “Amazon” in Google? — are supposedly a special race of warriors created to inspire and bring out the good in humans. 

In theistic parlance, they’re basically angels. Now the idea of angels being feminine is a doctrinal felony so serious I almost choked on my popcorn (almost worse than the suggestion that God would entrust the redemption of the world to Woman — isn’t that an insult to the fact that the Almighty is Him-self a dude? Really makes you wanna blot out those parts of any Scripture depicting women saving the community, or God choosing a women as his anointed ones or even those books named after ladies).

The Amazon community is supposedly a class of warriors but clearly their battle strategies are worse than my grandma’s. On the beach, the women gave up their advantage of an elevated position and jumped (literally) in front of enemy fire. 

Beach defences? Non-existent — which is inexcusable given all the talk about “preparing” for a forthcoming attack. Plus there’s only ONE exit off the island? Are you totally kidding me? 

You think Lee Kuan Yew would leave Kiasu-land to the mercy of a single escape route? See what I mean about women needing men?

Moving on.

Diana actually knows a million languages but is clueless about geography and culture. That’s like being an expert in the global currency conversion rate but knowing absolutely zero about economics and finance. 

This is not at all like how some male religious leaders know a great deal about divine truth and God’s law, but never speak out against political corruption. It’s a different phenomenon entirely. How is it different? Well, if you’re a guy you’d understand.

Also, Diana doesn’t flinch or blush an iota when Chris Pine is standing stark naked in front of her but then feels uncomfortable when dancing with him fully clothed. This shows you the wishy-washy-ness of female sexuality and how often women feel the need to pretend. Guys? Heck, we’re horny all the time and proud of it — absolutely no pretense or superficiality whatsoever.

A lasso of truth? That was a funny touch. Even funnier is how possessing such a profound item didn’t prevent Diana from believing that simply removing one guy will stop the world’s violence. What an insult to men. Should the movie be named Wonderfully Naïve Child, you think?

Finally, the movie also disrespects Nazi male soldiers. You telling me that an entire battalion of shooters failed to get one single hit on someone whose only protection was bracelets and a shield that looks like something I use to scoop my nasi kandar on to? 

Get the hell outta here. Germany should follow Lebanon’s footsteps and ban the movie out of sheer outrage.

Speaking of the Lebanese ban, yes, the lead actress, Gal Gadot, is a Zionist who supports the murder of Palestinian children. Don’t listen to that B.S. about her simply believing in the creation and defence of a Jewish state. 

That’s just propaganda. Besides, Israel requires her women to serve in the army whereas Hamas fighters are mainly guys who love to wear face masks. Shows you who’s on the side of the Good.

And have I mentioned the fact that Wonder Woman is braver and stronger than all the guys in the script? Now that, boys and girls, is downright unacceptable and explains why I threw up after the movie. It’s feminist brainwashing after all — no wonder.

* This is the personal opinion of the columnist.

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